My favourite things in 2004:
- Seeing my first REAL hockey game (Go Knights!)
- Turning 20
- Seeing the Get Up Kids at the Opera House (best show EVER!)
- Spending another fantastic year with Mike
- Jer's awesome dance to "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness HAHAHAHAHA!
- Going to England and Ireland for the first time
- Making some new friends (Lindz, Lauren, Laura and Kris!)
- Living in my first real home away from home
- Discovering The Donald and The Apprentice
- Joining The O.C cult :)

Things that sucked in 2004:
- Bush being re-elected
- The never ending news about bombs in the Middle East
- Jerry Orbach dying
- All the horrible natural disasters (Including the Tsunami and Quake in SE Asia)
- Having to actually work hard at school
- Working at Chapters (I quit!)
- Mike's family getting into a car accident
- Mike living 1.5 hours away instead of 10 mins. :(
- Passing out at a Dashboard Confessional concert (WTF?)
- Having surgery on my kidney (this could also go into the first column though because my doctor was hot and it wasn't all that painful)
- Having to see Britney's trailer trash face plastered everywhere (bf/husband included)

Well that about does it for my list. Lets hope 2005 is kick ass too :)

On days like today I feel like giving up. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm beginning to question whether I have depression. Some days I don't want to get out of bed and I would rather sit by myself and cry than do anything productive. I don't even know what I'm crying about. Sometimes I just convince myself I'm a horrible person and everyone else is beautiful and alive and I'm just here taking up space. I'm sorry.

I've come to the conclusion that I will never be a writer. I might have good ideas but I can never follow through with them. My writing always leaves something to be desired and its always as if something is lacking. A perfect example would be the story idea I developed about the curator who falls for a ghost without realizing he is a ghost and she ends up going back in time to be with him because she falls in love with him and she disappears. It was supposed to be a love story, drama, mystery, etc. I just don't understand how I can be so excited about these ideas in my head and then once I get to writing them down they seem like they're lacking. I don't know what it is or how I can fix it but I sure as hell wish I did. I applied to be in the writing program here and they wait-listed me. I'm thinking I might apply again this year but I don't have anything to send in for submission pieces. I doubt I would get in any more than I did last year but I think I might just in case. If I was a good writer I would get into programs like these. I've always wanted to write a novel that I could be proud of. Maybe someday when I have the talent and the time I can try it. For now though I'm stuck being pretty much talentless. *sigh*

I am soooo tired right now....but I just got off the phone with Mike. He said he wants to marry me. Actually I think the way he worded was that he KNOWS we'll be married one day and be really happy together. I love him, he's so cute. He said he already knows how he's going to ask me and he has everything all planned out in his head but that I have to wait until it's the right time for him to ask. He makes me so happy :) I told him to wait until I was in law school to ask me. If I say yes I want to be old enough to justify making the right decision. Then we can get married when I'm done and be happily ever after. I just want to grow old with him, that's all. I want to be an old married couple who hold hands and give each other kisses and maybe have a little sex on the side. It's comfortable and I know its what would make me happy :) Some day....

I love it. I'm so retarded right now. We watched this awesome video on Sam's computer and it was like we were in this other world with cute crawling things that looked like plants and insects put together. It's so nice to not have to work this year. Fuck, I hated working at that Chapters! It feels so nice to not have to work now! Maybe I'll reapply at places closer to Christmas...the only thing is that if I ah fuck I forget what I was gonna say. Meh. I wonder if Chris Carraba has a blog..I think he does. I want to find it and tell him he's hot. If Mike were here I'd fuck him badly. I love fucking him when it feels like I'm taking advantage of him. It's so much dirrtier and I like it. Being naughty is fun, especially when everyone else thinks you're the nice girl.

I've been in an exceptionally good mood today. I can't quite explain why though. I feel creative and driven and everything that makes a good day for me. I feel like I've actually accomplished something today. I did a lot on my day off. Right now I'm just waiting for Mike to give me a ring. He's playing in Drummondville tonight with the Afterbeat and in the St. Catharines festival tomorrow. I had a strange dream about him last night that had a lot of sexual things in it but they were strange. I ended up in a compromising position with one of his band mates who trust me, I don't have any sort of sexual intentions towards. Even in the dream there was no emotion or anything to it, in fact, I was talking to mike as casual as casual can be while it was going on sooo yea. But in the dream Mike had changed his hair. I was running my fingers through it and it was really thick and nice feeling. So then he pulls off his hood and is like 'hey! check it out!' he had originally dyed it blonde but then dyed it dark like it is now with white hairs all put through it in a salt and pepper sort of style. He was telling me how hey'd layered it and everything and it was really nice! It made him look hot :) I keep having dreams with Mike and I trying to get it on but we always get interrupted. I'm not too sure what that means. Maybe it's because we haven't done it in a while because of him being away? I better still be in the mood tomorrow when he gets home :D I'm so pumped to see him! YAY!!! This week hasn't been so bad. I've talked to him nearly every day which is awesome considering he's been in Montreal. This makes me think that next year won't be so bad at all. I like being independent and being able to go do stuff on my own. When Mike was in London I usually did stuff with him because it was easy to call him up and go out, but now that he won't be there I think I'll call up everyone else as much as I can to go out instead.

I've decided that the only stress in my life right now is Sara. I've never had to deal with a bigger bitch. I really hate her someimtes and I'm not just being petty about it. She truly drives me nuts. It's like a little screw twisting into my brain each time she says something rude or ignorant or bitchy. I think one of these days I will honestly and truly snap on her and hit her in the face. I've envisioned doing it every time she has told me to fuck off or broken my stuff without giving a shit (seriously!) for the past five years. I am SOOO happy to be going to London where I don't have to put up with her shit. I don't have to worry about my stuff being stolen, I don't have to listen to her bitch bitch bitch all the time, I don't have to deal with her attitude, I don't have to deal with the fact that my parents seem to think she never does any wrong. Getting a lock on my door because she's a compulsive stealer has been like pulling teeth. For a month and a half now I've bugged my dad for one and still no lock. He doesn't see any reason to put one there. Well that's nice. Asshole. She's so used to getting her way all the time that it's rediculous trying to get something done around here. If she steals something of mine, I'm the one with the problem. She had a week a while back where she was a real bitch to my parents and was telling them to fuck off and making a real pain in the ass of herself and what did they do? She couldn't have her friends over one night. Whoop de fucking doo! She had them over the next night so it didn't make a real bit of difference did it? My parents are so afraid to punish her in any way because they don't want her running off to Toronto or something. Idiots. Take away her cell phone. Don't give her money to go out, or better yet, don't let her go out. Take away her computer. ANYTHING. But as long as they do something! She's spoilt and it drives me nuts. I really do hate her sometimes. Actually, make that most of the time. When she's not around my life is so much easier. I am happier. I can't wait to go back to London. Maybe next year I just won't come home.
-Night

I've realized a lot of things today. I would say all in all it has been a good day. The first is that a lot of people in my neighbourhood are very patriotic. I'm glad to see that Canadians are actually proud to live here and proud of what our country stands for. The second is that I can very easily relate to Virginia Woolf and now have a desire to read as many of her works as I can get my hands on. The third is that even though my aunt and my mother might hate each other, my cousin and I still get along really well. The fourth is that I enjoy running and walking. I ran/walked for over an hour today and now I not only feel relaxed and destressed but also much healther. Lastly, is that I've finally accepted that Mike is not going to be around next year. It took one night of crying myself to sleep and another day of silent tears while riding in the car with him to realize that this is it. This summer is the last I have for the next 8 months of seeing him as often as I do. I've only just come to terms with the thought that I can't go to his house if I'm having a bad day so he'll cheer me up. I can't just call him up on the phone to see how his day was without thinking about how much I'm paying in long distance fees. I can't spend a weekend at his house nice and cozy in his room. I don't have him to talk to when I really really need to talk to him. True he is only an hour and a half away, but when the whole world is caving in, that hour and a half might as well be a million miles away. I'm going to miss him so very very much. It's realizing all of this now which has allowed me to appreciate just how much I care for him and realize that he means a great deal more to me than I ever could have imagined. You devil you...you snuck right in there didn't you?

So Mike is gone now until Friday night *sigh* I really miss him. I don't think it would be so bad if I could still talk to him every day, but the days I don't talk to him are the hardest. I find myself moping around, feeling restless and bored. I was thinking about marriage stuff today because it seems like everyone at my work is getting married. I realized a few things once I'd thought about it.

1) If we were about 5 years older we would be engaged or married already since we've been together continuously for over 2 years now.
2) If this were 100 years ago we'd already be married and probably having kids.
3) We love each other very much and have no problems with the idea of getting married in the future.
4) With the exception of money, social issues, and maturity we don't have any reason NOT to get married.

I realize for most men that talking about marriage is a scary thing. They don't want to be tied down to one woman or be committed to anyone while they're still young. Mike is strange like that I guess. He doesn't have any qualms talking about one day getting married...in fact, he talks about it a lot with me. I really am too young to consider marriage right now, but it's something to think about. Ultimately I would like to be out of school and at least a year in my job before getting married which means I have another seven years to wait...in seven years I will be 26, definitely old enough to be financially stable and ready maturity wise to commit to someone. What I can't help wondering is what will happen during the time inbetween. I mean, if I wait until then to get engaged/married, then we'll have been together for 9 years! Nine fucking years! Most marriages don't even last tha long! Can I really go seven more years with him without some further sort of commitment? I'm sure people will assume I'm too young to think about this sort of thing, but I'm really not. I'm nearly 20 and have had my fair share of boyfriends. I'm smart enough to know when something good comes around. The fact that I found a boy who loves me more than anything, would do anything for me, actually cares about my feelings, and who's great in bed means that I have a winner. While most women complain about all the stupid things their men do, I never even think about stupid stuff Mike does cause he doesn't do any. If I end up with someone else, then he'll have to be a dream man because I think Mike would be pretty hard to contend with. If I get married one day I want it to be for life, not just for a few years like most marriages are now. I want to grow old with my husband, and hold hands when we're 65, take walks and do things together, hug and kiss even when we're old enough to have no teeth...I can't live in a loveless marriage like my parents did. I wouldn't be able to handle it. My granny and grandpa married for life and were VERY happy together until he died a few years ago of cancer. They had a very fairy tale courtship and marriage...I love hearing about it. I want to be like them :) I know if I hold off long enough I will marry the right man.

So tomorrow Mike leaves for New Brunswick for a week. I was in London all day today but he said to call him when I got home so we could see each other before he left. I didn't get home till around 11 so I called his house and his mom said he'd gone out for the night. I'm not sure whether to be upset or not. It bothers me that he said to call him so we could go out tonight and see each other before he goes away for a whole week and then goes out with the guys anyways. I've gotten used to it usually being the guys when it comes down to who he's gonna go hang out with for the night, but sometimes, like tonight, it still bugs me. I just feel like an idiot. I bought him a schwarma from the place in London we always go to when we're there because I know he really likes them. I brought it home to give it to him all fresh and everything but now it's sitting on the second shelf of my fridge. I've debated eating it...I think I would just feel dumb if I gave it to him tomorrow...I would seem really pathetic then. I am pretty pathetic most of the time though it's a wonder why he wants to hang out with me at all. It's 1:00 now and it's officially Sara's birthday. I got her present and everything all set I just need to wrap it. Well I think it's time I stop feeling disappointed and go wrap some presents. I also watched "Girl With A Pearl Earring" tonight...I loved how every scene was set up like a painting but very subtly...she was always framed in some way which I liked a lot. The book was amazing! I was disappointed they didn't show her marry the butcher's son and go live with him...that would've been a better ending. Go see it :)

I've seen the Get Up Kids in concert 3 times. I think they are an awesome band and awesome live! The best one I ever went to though was on March 9th at the Opera House in Toronto. I can only think of 2 other concerts where I've had that much fun and I've been to 30+ concerts so it was an AMAZING show! 10 stars for the best Get Up Kids concert set list EVER:
COMING CLEAN
HOLIDAY
CONVICTION
STAY GONE
MASS PIKE
KANSAS
NO LOVE
NEVER BE ALONE
ACTION
WOODSON
GRACE
MARTYR ME
I’LL CATCH YOU
ONE YOU WANT
ANNE ARBOR
WOULDN’T BELIVE IT
AMY
WAY OUT

CURE / 10 MINUTES

I ride to work every day with a girl who has 2 cigarettes on her way in. One when she first gets in the car and one about half way through the trip. Today on the radio news they had a broadcast about all the different cancers smoking gives you. I told her about how my friend's mom smoked for 20+ years of her life and got cervical cancer. Cervical cancer is rough. Unless you catch it right away you're dead. Thankfully my friend's mom was a nurse and lived. She still smokes though and her cancer will probably come back if she keeps it up. The girl I go to work with thought for a minute and commented on how scary and depressing that was. She didn't have her second cigarette on the way in.

I am stoned blah blah blah I am stoned blah blah blah this song is great. I dunno what it is but I can't get it out of my head. I love being high...honestly it's great :) I wouldn't do it all the time but every so often at parties it's just really fun. I blazed tonight with the crew and it was hella good. I miss the Land Before TIme..what a great movie! I always cry when littlefoot's mom dies. Warren and Brad were both at Jess's tonight! my two favourite boys! Warren is an angry violent drunk and Brad is a depressed/tired one. I wish I'd made myself look a little nicer to go but whaaateva...I can't think things like this after having a great weekend with Mike. Hopefully we get to go watch fireworks tomorrow! YAY!!! I can't wait to move into my house :D I don't have the munchies but I'm restless. I wish there was still a thunder storm so I could listen to it stoned...that would be AWESOME! Anyways going to go go now...wake me up before you go go cause I don't wanna be let alooone...oo yea
Peace :)

I just got this email that was a response to this other email called "26 Things the perfect man would do". It was basically a hugely long male chauvanist rant about how holding your girlfriend's hand and hugging her from behing and stuff means that you should cut off your balls and become a woman. Man...this guy honestly must be the lonliest person in the world. Does he honestly think that with an attitude towards relationships and women like the one he had that he's EVER going to be happy in a relationship? It's ppl like that who are the reason why divorce rates are skyrocketing. People are so freekin self centred nowadays. It's always me me me. It's fucking bullshit. So what if a guy decides to hold his gfs hand or give her a hug from behind. All it shows is that you love the person you're with. You're not freekin' making out on a street corner or anything like that. If a guy can't get down off his pedistal long enough to hold his woman's hand than he's got some issues to deal with. I think one of this guys's comments was "If women ruled the world we'd still be looking for the wheel"...my response would be that if women ruled the world there'd be a lot less war and a lot more useful and productive things being developed. Par example...windshield wipers. A woman invented those. Without windshield wipers we wouldn't be able to drive in the rain or snow and would be stuck at home. Thank you to women for giving us freedom to drive :)

soo fucking bored...I should've gone to the game but it would've been too much trouble. Why does he invite me when he knows I won't be able to come or it's going to be too big of a hassle for everyone if I do? It was nice to be invited but at the same time pointless. All it did was make me feel bad about being left out. He said we can go see Shrek 2 tomorrow but I have a feeling that won't pan out either. He works until 9 so good luck to us getting a ticket. The best nights always go to the guys :P

Last night Mike and I had a "talk" for about an hour or two in my garage (it was raining outside). I just had to talk to him about some relationship stuff that had been bugging me and finally get it off my chest. I ended up crying because I was frustrated (I HATE when I do that!) but by the end of it Mike was crying a bit too so it made it okay. I'd never seen him cry before and then when we were talking about our relationship together he was telling me how much I mean to him and then he started. He told me that I was his perfect person and he loved me more than anything in the world. Having someone show that kind of dedication and love to your face is hard to grasp sometimes. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me and my heart melted. I realize that's corny but there's no other way to describe the feeling. If everything in your life sucks but you know that someone who you love very much loves you more than anything in the world it makes everything suddenly okay. He also told me that he would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of his life with me and he was serious about it too. We're not kids and this isn't a puppy crush where you talk about marriage but you never really think about it truly happening...this is different. We're both in out 20s now almost and we've been together for two years. We have a very mature and close relationship with one another so when he talks about being together for the rest of our lives I listen. I think about it sometimes...what it would be like to marry him...to have kids with him...I wonder what things will be like ten years from now. I wouldn't want to get married now. I may be young but I'm not stupid. I know that we both have a lot of growing up and changing to do. Who knows, in ten years we may be entirely different people than we are today. I'm very career oriented as well so I won't be looking to get married until I'm out of Law School...I think by that time we'll both have a good idea of who each other is going to be in their adult years and if we still click with one another. It's definitely best not to rush into things. I could be happy with him. I could see myself having kids with him...he'd be an amazing dad I know it already from the way he acts with his brother. He has all the great qualities that women look for in a man and I am very thankful that I've had the opportunity to have a relationship with him and love him. Who knows where the road will lead us in the future but we'll handle it together :)

So Mike and I went to his place tonight to chill and watch some Family Guy episodes. We ended up getting into the mood I guess and he got himself a BJ and then couldn't return the favour. It's not that he wasn't trying, he just wasn't doing anything...satisfying...so he was disappointed in himself. It's becoming a trend with him now that once he's had what he wants I don't get anything in return but that's not the point of this post at all. For some reason we began to talk about sex in marriage and he asked if he wasn't able to satisfy me anymore would I leave him. So I thought about it. Eventually I told him that if after trying everything possible to guide him in various ways in which he could pleasure me and he still wasn't successful then I'd have to leave him because I'm only 19 and I can't tie myself down to someone who can't pleasure me sexually for the rest of my life. It just isn't fair to me. I have my entire post menopausal years to be not sexually active so why stop now? A relationship without a sexual component to it is just a strong friendship not a full relationship. He doesn't seem to see it that way though. He seems to think he could quite happily live the rest of his life totally without sex of any kind and still be with me in a relationship because he thinks that's what relationships should be...that they shouldn't be based on sex at all. He has some valid points. I mean you should be able to sustain a relationship without sex being the only thing holding you together but sex is important too. How many marriages split up because people look for sex elsewhere when they aren't getting any at home? A marriage without sex in it is simply not a happy marriage. People need sex. It's the way God made us (or if you don't believe in God, it's the way we genetically evolved). We are programmed for sex...sex causes procreation and procreation is the whole reason we have sex organs to begin with and the entire reason we are born. Our purpose is to procreate therefore why WOULDN'T we be naturally inclined to want sex? *whew* That was one heck of an argument :)

So basically Mike said that he wouldn't marry me if I thought sex was a necessary factor in a relationship. This is an argument we've had many times. He seems to think of our relationship as an old married couple who are well past their prime and no longer need to have sex to have a fulfilling relationship. That's all well and good for him but I hope that I'm one of those post-menopausal women who still DOES have sex. Why should women stop having sex just because they can't have children any more? Does reaching the older stage of our life make it any less important? NO! People can still be sexy at 50. Women can still have a sexual prowress at that age and men (with the help of Viagra) can have it too. Jesus, maybe I'm being all new age about this or something but it all seems pretty reasonable to me. So it gets me thinking...can I spend my life with a person who is telling me at 19 that they're not interested in sex? All I can think about when he tells me that is "Can I really give up 30 years of sexual activity for this one guy?" He makes me happy. He's emotionally supportive and caring. He loves me and tells me so every day. He's basically what all women want in a man. And to boot he's great in bed (with the exception of tonight) when we actually DO get it on...so it leaves me to wonder. Could I possibly find a man with all of the above qualities who likes sex as much as I do? I think I'm just dreaming now...

Well I refused to say any of this to Mike tonight because it was his Birthday (Happy 20th!) and I didn't want to have a fight with him on his birthday. So instead I said nothing and will probably say nothing until months from now when it comes up again. We really need to have a gooood long talk about this and work it out because we don't see eye to eye and we both agree it's a fairly big issue. We've talked about it before but we never get anywhere because I always give in and say "fine forget it" and we move on. One time though I'll make him listen to me...make him hear me out...maybe he'll finally understand some of what I'm saying.

I went to Cam's play tonight. It was good (well he was good) but some parts were REALLY boring. I dunno...I think they could've made it a little bit better...but some of the actors were pretty sweet. Hermes...hahaha what a character. It was funny because afterwards we saw Cam's mom and started talking to her and then Cam's brother Ryan came over (he goes to Uni with me) and we started talking. According to Sara he was totally hitting on me and he's quite good looking now. I think he's 20 something now and in med school. The funny part is...my last memory of this guy was when he was 14 and throwing rocks at my head hahaha. I used to have a crush on him way back when, when we first met at the tender ages of 5 and 7 hahaha God...I remember trying to help him bury Charlie in a hole hahaha! And then laughing when my sister mooned him (she was like 3 at the time) oooh lordy...so yea...it's funny to go from thinking of him as a kid to realizing 'hey! he's a man now...and a good looking man too!' I'm so glad he straightened his life out. He was headed for the bad road for a while with gangs and stuff but after he got stabbed in that fight he made a complete turn around and now look at him. It's amazing I think. Well hopefully I'll see him around campus some more :) He seemed really nice. It'd be cool to catch up on old times.
Anyways, that's enough out of me. Goodnight~

Mike called me today from Montreal. I thought it was really sweet :) I hope his show goes well!

I FINALLY got out of the house today! I went with Tenni and Sumo to go see Mean Girls hahaha it was a good movie...I laughed for most of the first half and then it got kinda sappy near the end but I guess it all had to be there. It was pretty predictable how it turned out but it was still okay nonetheless. After the movie we went over to Demetries and chatted for a while while devouring cheescake, apple pie, and green tea MMMM god we're such yuppies! hahaha then it was off to Timmies since apparently it's the only place open until 3 am hahaha so yea all in all I'd say it was a good night. It felt GREAT to get out and I only spent 12 bucks :D YAY!

I guess that's enough out of me. I'm not tired at all but I guess I'll go to bed or something...maybe I should go to lengths swims tomorrow too like I did today :) It was AWESOME! Note to self: Remember to go see Cam's play! TOMORROW!

For some reason every time I've talked to him this week I've left feeling frustrated, irritated, and confused. I'm mainly confused because I don't really know what I'm irrirated and annoyed with him all the time. I don't think he knows and everytime he suspects something I say everything is great but I just don't know. Maybe it's that I can't think of anything to say to him now. Now that we're home I'm back to my boring life with nothing to do. How can you have a conversation with someone when you've done nothing all day and what you have done (ie: read) doesn't interest them in the least? Maybe I'm also annoyed because anytime we do talk it's about drums and what kind of drums he wants and link after link of drum pictures and debating which drum kit to buy from which company etc. etc. etc. Normally I don't mind this and I like that he asks my opinion on what kinds of drums to get and stuff...but today I just didn't care at all. Sometimes I do but today I didn't. It was literally the ONLY topic of our conversation for an hour and a half. When he asked me about the O.C that spiced things up for a bit and we (I) talked for a while on that but it was pretty much juuust drumtalk. I'm supposed to go see him tomorrow when he gets home from work. I know I'll have nothing to say though because I won't do anything interesting during the day mainly because I have no money to go out so I'll sit at home and ooh I dunno clean or something and then go see him at 10. I should get up early tomorrow and go swim lengths at the pool....work off some of this fat ass of mine.

...I think more than anything I'm bitter that our year together is over. No more going over to his place to hang out...no more privacy...no more freedom to do whatever we want...that's all over with and I have 4 months of 60 hr work weeks and no time to see each other ahead of me and then another 8 months of not seeing each other with the exception of bi-weekly (if I'm lucky) conjugal visits...woohoo! I'm not giving up or anything but it's definitely true that the fun times are over. Who knows when we'll get to see each other next year especially if I have a job while I'm at school. But there's hope. Like Aaron's said so many times before...If you guys can make it through this year then you'll be together forever. Let's hope the 2 years of the good times are enough backing for this next one...

...There are so many reasons why I can't show you this journal and this is one of them. If you knew that I was upset about this then you'd probably have reservations about doing it and I can't let you do that. You have to follow your dreams. I'm just a player in your life and if we end you'll find someone else to make you just as happy, if not happier than I have made you (or tried to) so I really hope you don't consider me in your decision...it wouldn't be fair to you. I love you too much to hurt you like that.

I always imagined myself as one of those people someone could turn to and rely on. I wanted to be the person that people thought of as their strength, the one who had supported them through the rough times and gave them advice when they needed it. I'm somehow secretly satisfied that I can have this kind of role in my relationship with Mike right now. He asks me advice about what to do with his career and listens to what I have to say about it all, he relies on me to support him...stuff like that. If/when his band becomes big (which I hope they do since this has been Mike's dream since he was a kid) I know that people are going to think that myself and the other gfs are just in it for the money and all that stuff. I'd like to think if i was in it for anything it would be the satisfaction of knowing that should his band become big I would know that I had supported him from the start and he would know that too. I've had to work hard for everything in my life including paying for school now myself and I'm not used to having handouts. Even if Mike were making a million+ bucks a year I would still finish school, become a lawyer and have a practise. I would still pay for my own clothes and my own nice car. I'd help pay the bill and pay for the house. I've known Mike a lot longer without money than with money (should he become that rich) so I really doubt I would be "in it for the money" at all. I'm not that type of person. I don't want to rely on someone else for money or become dependent on anyone. Worse case scenario I should be able to comfortably support myself in the lifestyle I'm living in and I plan on doing that.
I just realized this rant is really pointless since 1) Mike isn't a rockstar yet and 2) I have no means to support the lifestyle i want for at least another 7 years at which time I'll need to pay off my massive law school debt...
Right.
I would rather pay for everything myself and be happy than have all the riches in the world and be unhappy. As crazy as it may sound to some people, if Mike and I are still together lets say 5 years from now and he's very wealthy because of his music career but turns into an asshole...I'll leave him. If he cheats on me with groupies...I'll leave him. If he becomes abusive...I'll leave him. If he becomes an alcoholic/drug addict and refuses to get help I'll leave him then too. I love him but if he turns out to be an ass down the line I'll have to give him up. I don't care how much money you have. If you treat someone like shit then you don't deserve to be with them. He treats me wonderfully now so I hope to hell this never happens but fame changes people so you never can tell.

Yes well this post is even more pointless now. I don't even know what I came on here to say originally. Well whatever...it's bedtime now. Night!

I haven't talked to her about the diary yet. I don't know how to approach it at all. I talked the her ex the other day and he told me that she doesn't talk to any of her old friends anymore. He said everyone sick of hearing about her new friends and that all she does now is hangs out with them and ignores her old friends. What a bitch. She might be my sister but what a shitty person. God she's changed so much this past year. I don't like the person she is now at all. It makes me almost embarassed to say she's my sister. I don't like associating myself with someone that's mean.

On a brighter note I had a nice time at Christine's get together tonight. It was her bday so everyone came out (well everyone but Ronny...what a jerk!). I'll never forget Jeremy's boxer brief dance complete with ass hanging out to The Darkness LMAO! I've never laughed so hard in my life hahahaha It was so great! Especially when he put his leg up on the pool table hahahahahaha! and the ass shaking too LMAO! Oh good lord! It was awesome when Christine's mom came downstairs too and saw him. She just burst out laughing! The only sucky part was that Christine was upset because her friend Chris wasn't really getting along with anyone. I didn't think he was such a bad guy when I met him but then I heard him talking shit about Anna when I was right next to him. I felt like turning to him and being like EXCUSE ME? He was calling her a bitch and stuff but she's one of the nicest people I know. He doesn't know her at all! I really would recommend that he not say stuff like that to anyone else because everyone loves Anna and it REALLY wouldn't go over well. Oh well whatever. I think the guy might as well get used to everyone being around because I really dont think Christine is just gonna drop all of her friends because he says he doesn't like them hanging around. She's better than that. I saw people trying to talk to him and include him and stuff so if he doesn't want to get along with people it's not because we haven't tried. I haven't talked to the guy that much at all but from what I heard him saying tonight I'm pretty iffy. I'll still give him a chance though. He hasn't said anything to/about me yet so we'll see.

Well anyways...I should go to bed or something. I have a nice day of shopping ahead of me tomorrow. Wheee!
Nighto!

"Touching YOUUUU...touching MEEEEE" haahaha!

He thinks he knows her so well. What a joke. Sure she doesn't do drugs but she's fucked so many of her guy friends I've lost count of who they are. I can't look at her the same way anymore. She's hidden it from everyone...playing along acting all innocent. If I didn't know her I'd call her a slut. The way she's acting that's what she is...but when she comes home she's miss innocent. I love how he thinks he has her all figured out. He doesn't know shit! The worst part is I don't even know what to do about it. I can't say anything to her because it doesn't change anything. Yes I looked through her journal but I wasn't doing it with malicious intent. I saw it and since I'd bought it for her for Christmas, I decided to see if she actually used it or not. Well...apparently she does. And I love how when I go to Mike to talk to him about it and ask what to do he takes her side and says it's my own fault for reading her stuff. So what...I'm just supposed to ignore it and hope she doesn't end up with an STD/pregnant? Great...Christ I'm sooo fucking happy to be home. Get me the fuck out of here!

To You:

I just wanted to say thank you. I was out for a walk tonight by myself, thinking of you. I've been through a lot this past year and you've always been right beside me, helping me through it. I can talk to you about everything and anything. Having someone like that in your life is a rarity and I am so thankful I have you. I think if I hadn't had you in my life these past 2 years I would've felt like a very lonely girl. I have friends but they're not always around. It feels so good to know that on my low days I still have someone who loves me as much as you do. I can't think of anywhere I'd be happier than sitting in your arms. I could spend the rest of my life there and a part of me hopes I do. I feel guilty taking so much love from you because I don't feel like I do enough in return. I love you with all my heart but somehow it doesn't feel like enough. I know one day hard times will come to you too as they do to everyone...I just want you to know that when they come you can count on me being there-right by your side like you've been for me. I will be there for the hugs and the tears and the long talks because I love you. Nothing will ever change that.

From,
Me XO

Well...I'm done my row of three exams in three days. I think I fucked up on my MIT one though...the exam was only out of 35 and worth 35% of our mark. We had no choices of questions so basically every mark off was a mark off our final mark. My teacher is an asshole! Normally for final exams you're given a choice..like do three of the following questions or something but now. This fucker decides he wants us to do every question. Fuck him :P And fuck that class too! The way I looked at it, the definitions I think I did decent on and if I did crap they're only worth like 1 mark each. The essays I think I might've been able to bullshit effectively...we'll see. If I lose only 10 marks on the exam (equivalent of getting a zero on one of the essay questions) then I'll end the year with a 78 which is decent enough to me. I'm just gonna pray I have an easy marker! I'm supposed to go to Mike's place now and spend the night. First off though I've gotta have a shower, shave, pretty myself up, pack, eat my strawberries and destress...I think I can do that :) It looks like it's gonna be a thunderstorm outside...EXCELLENT!

Well I had an AMAZING weekend! It was full of good food, good company and GRRRREEEAT sex ;) Maybe it was just the abundance of good food but Mike was in the mood this weekend...a lot too :D It was awesome! I loved it :D Especially becaue he got kinky with it too yay!!! It was a perfect balance because we did all the family stuff and had the nights where we just hung out and then we had the other nights with the awesome sex after a long hard day of driving back to London. Yup I definitely had a good weekend :) I love him! See? I told you! Not a single complaint in sight :D

On a totally unrelated note...I am THE biggest nerdo! I thought my Poli Sci exam was today so I studied ALL day today and ALL day yesterday for it and then I went to the exam and started panicking because uh oh...it wasn't where it was supposed to be. So after running around frantically I went to the library (yes people yelled "RUN FORREST RUNNN!" after me...assholes) and checked my email *thank god for profs who email you a billion times about the same thing!* and saw that my exam was...TOMORROW! Yea..so I felt like a total nerdo :P I called Mike right after and he was like "whhyyy aren't you in your exam?" so I had to explain and he was like "*sigh* well at least you didn't miss it" hahaha. Yea..that would've been BAAAAD. Ah well now I'll just do REALLY good on it I suppose :)

I have come to the conclusion that studying also makes you ravenous! I've been hungry alllll day and I don't have any food left to eat :( I've been trying to get rid of it all so I don't have any to bring home next week. Damn and I'm needing to lose some lbs too...crappola...yes well hopefully I'll have gym time inbetween working 2 jobs at home. If not I'll freekin run on my own around the block! Maybe I should go low-carb too like my sister...hell she lost 12 lbs in just over 2 weeks...works for me!

The only bad news of the weekend is that Mike told me about how if he works full time at Gear he'll only have one day a week off since they don't work Sundays. The best would be if he got Saturdays off but since that's their busiest day he doesn't see that happening. So if he came up Saturday night then I would see him Sat night and Sunday but he's still gonna wanna hang out with his friends and stuff too. And on top of that he's going to be playing shows on weekends and what-not. Also I have realized that unless my rents cover half of my tuition I have nooo money next year to pay for train rides home to see the b/f (not even enough for once a month) unless I get another job in London which means I most likely won't be availible on the weekends which means everything is now fucked. I really don't know how we're ever going to see each other. I really hope we can but I have a feeling we'll be seeing each other a lot less than we think. Boourns...this sucks :P Ah well....I've still got 4 months of sexy-man goodness to reville in so I'm not going to complain. I guess we'll take it as it comes starting in Sept. Who knows things might work out okay after-all. I love him...he loves me...and really, that's enough.

He wasn't in the mood again tonight. There was really no point in getting upset or emotional over it. I just don't really know how I should feel watching my sex life wash down the drain. Emotionally he's amazing, caring, supportive, loving, everything a girl dreams of, when we're in bed he's amazing as well...honestly oooh yea...the problem is getting him in the mood. I realized yesterday that I've stopped telling him that I'm in the mood and he hasn't seemed to notice...actually things have been going really smoothly lately. The less I talk about sex or what-not around him the better our relationship seems to get. I don't know what it is really since he insists come hell or high water that it isn't me. I really hope he's not just saying that so he doesn't hurt my feelings...but then again he's really blunt about stuff and I think if that was the problem he'd up and say it.

I know he has issues with his own body...maybe that's a factor. I know that if I feel particularly fat or whatever one week I'm sure as hell not in the mood for a romp. He worries about his gut and I think he worries about his body hair too. He's worried about this stuff the whole time we've gone out but I think more so now. The only problem is he isn't really driven to DO anything about it. He doesn't work out...ever. And he still buys junk food like chips and cookies and stuff all the time. The only time he doesn't is when I happen to go grocery shopping with him and convince him to buy healthier stuff. I don't even know if his weight issue is the reason our sex life has taken a nose dive but it has to be something.

For the longest time I thought it was me, and I still to some extent do. Regardless of how many times he tells me otherwise, I'm still going to think I'm the problem when my man isn't satisfied enough to want more. *sigh* I don't want to leave him. I love him with all my heart. It just makes you take a hard swallow when you've only been going out 2 years and your sex life is pretty much at nill and then thinking about what is going to happen when you spend the rest of your LIVES together. If he hardly wants sex at 19 what's going to happen when we're 30?? I don't want to spend the rest of my life not having sex! I'm only 19 for Christs's sake! If we had sex a little more often I think our relationship would be perfect. I wouldn't have a single complaint! I remember when we first started doing stuff together we did it close to 3 or 4 times a week sometimes. I was loving it and I'm pretty sure he was too. Then suddenly we've become one of those unlucky couples that only has sex like once every 2 weeks.

Without sex is a relationship still a relationship? I mean having an intimate relationship with someone includes sex of some kind beyond kissing each other on the lips and holding hands. Are we turning ourselves into a good friendship? We were friends before and I think we're better friends now, but is that were this is headed? Is he going to call me up one day and tell me he doesn't see me as any more than a good friend now and all the sexual passion is just gone? I don't really know what to think anymore. I doubt I'll even talk to him about this. We've fought over it a hundred times before and nothing ever changes. He says he wants me to instigate so I do but most of the time I do he's not in the mood therefore why instigate at all? It's just frustrating because every time I want to have sex he's not in the mood but every time he wants to it's like "hey yea lets get it on!" Christ if I told him I wasn't in the mood everytime I actually wasn't in the mood we just wouldn't have sex EVER. I give up. It's no use arguing with him about it. It's always going to be his way or the highway because he's so damn stubborn. I'm stubborn too so you can see how our fights get us nowhere.

Well I think that's quite enough bitching from me. I'm going to go to sleep now...niiight

So I'm chillin listening to my mix CD-probably the best mix CD ever! God how I love Weezer! This CD makes me think of driving down the country roads to town at my cottage...such good memories :D I love summer! Everything with the exception of work is going great for me right now. Mike and I just had our 2 year anniversary and I love him more than life. I used to think I would fall out of love with someone very quickly or at least get bored of them thus making me bad at long-term relationships. Truth is though I think I've grown quite fondly attached to my emo-boy drummer from the Cheap Suits. He's one of the nice ones and I'd just like to appologize to the women of the world for taking him off the market :) As cheesy as this may sound we were trying to think of names for kids if we ever had any on our long drive back to Oakville from Peterborough the other night. We do stuff like that to keep each other asleep on the drives home :) I was reminded of it today at work and I started laughing when I was with a customer. I love how I can think of something he said or something we did together and it will always without fail bring a smile to my face. I have at least a thousand of those memories stored in my mind somewhere. I think that's important and that's why I'm so happy where I am right now. Sure we have our rough times, just read my blog and you'll see that, but for every small patch of bad there's about 100 patches of amazing.

Incase you're wonder why work sucks right now it's because I pretty much have to quit Chapters. Due to scheduling cuts they can't transfer me between stores again like they did at Christmas leaving me without a job. So fuck you Chapters :P The company is definitely going under...who knows if it'll happen for sure but it looks like its headed that way. Just looking at the way they treat their employees like crap shows it all. I've worked there for nearly 4 years and I have a good standing at both places I work and they won't budge an inch to let me stay or work out way so I can keep my job. Well fuck it then. I can probably get a better job that I enjoy more elsewhere and get paid as much as I do now. Besides, the more I think of it the less I really mind. With the exception of Aaron, Karla, and a few full timers and the home store everyone I really liked working with and am friends with is gone or is leaving so what's there for me to go back to? It would just be me working with a bunch of new people who think they know everything because they've been there for three months. *sigh* It's just a pain in the ass I need to go look for a job again. Christ, nearly 4 years at one company makes it rough when you need to go look somewhere else for cash. I've got about a dozen places I'm going to apply. Mike said he could get me a job at his dad's place working under his iron fist (haha) but I think I'd rather take a looksie on my own first and see what I can get. Wish me luck :)

School is almost over. I can hardly believe it! Lordy lordy...I officially have 20 days left until I am done school for the entire year. That's kind of scary if you ask me! I think I'll miss being here and being in res even though right now all I want to do is get out. Going home means having to deal with divorce, Sara/Dad pea in podness, conforming to everyone else's schedules, mom, mom forcing me to meet her b/f, having to deal with said b/f who I think is a nutcase on several occassions which I would rather not have to do, having a tiny bedroom that doesn't feel like mine, and a bitchy dog who gives me bitch stares...yes well home should be fun. Regardless of all the weirdness I miss my family and my friends. In a way it's like I'm not really part of my family anymore. My dad has Sara, Sara has her friends at her new school, mom has her new b/f...I just don't really have a part in it. Like I live with dad and Sara but I don't really feel like I live with them...everytime I go over it's like I'm interruting their happy-home setting. They don't say anything to make me feel that way, it's just a vibe. I don't know how to explain it really. I know I definitely don't belong with mom in her new condo in Mississauga gushing about G all the time. She's not the same anymore and I don't know what to feel when I'm around her. Everytime I go home I keep thinking that I'm going back to my big red brick house with the "purple" doors (haha) and my mom, dad, sister, and 2 dogs are there to greet me when I get home with a big hug and a lot of commotion and food for me to eat because they know res food sucks. I miss my sunny kitchen and my lazy deck. Everytime I drive home I keep thinking that's what it's going to be like but it never is. I'm always mildly surprised when Mike pulls into the driveway of our new townhouse and I open the door and the house is quiet. I've been home more than a few times but everytime it's the same. I thought yesterday about what I would do with $30 million and one of the first things I thought of was to buy back my big red brick house and move my family back into it...funny thing is my family was all 4 of us. Strange. I just can't get it into my head. I realize I should be over this by now since it happened a year ago, but I think I used school to avoid the topic a lot. I wasn't home to deal with it so I didn't...I guess I'm going to have to deal with it eventually...I guess I just never thought it would happen to me. I think somewhere deep down I'll always imagine coming home to a full house with mom, dad, sara and the 2 dogs.

Only in dreams I suppose...

Mike wants me to give him the address to this scribble but I think I might hold off. I know if I give it to him I won't say what I feel, I'll sugar coat it or write differently so he doesn't get hurt/offended or what not...yes...I think I should hold off. Good night :)

I feel a little depressed now. I want to write but I don't want to altar the feeling in my story. I should go to bed but on a night like tonight the air is to heavy and my eyes won't stay shut no matter how much I toss and turn. I didn't get into that Creative Writing course--better luck next year I suppose. I think I'll go to the gym tomorrow with Lindsay...or maybe just inbetween classes. I really should start working off some of this winter girth. Somehow everyone else managed to keep their weight down this year so I should be able to too. It's so funny cause everyone comments on how I dont eat or that I hardly ever eat *I still have nearly $600 left on my meal card with a medium meal plan--most other people are already reloading* but yet I've managed to still gain weight. It's so odd to me because I hardly eat junk food, I refuse to eat fast food, I freekin always eat healthy stuff except for when I get easter eggs *mmmm* but I've managed to somehow gain weight this year. I guess some things you're just never supposed to understand.

Mike and I had a talk tonight. Nothing really serious...at least I don't think so. It's the first time we've ever been able to discuss something and actually walk away from it with neither of us pissed off. I discovered tonight that more times than not Mike is not really in the mood when we do something sexual. Being his gf this bothered me a little. You would kind of hope that when doing something sexual with another person they would want you to do it, not just be doing it to appease you. So I asked him if it was because he was bored with our sex life. He insisted that he has a great time when we have sex and it wasn't that he was bored. So I asked if it had anything to do with his attraction to me or anything I could change about what I do. He insisted that I was perfect and it had nothing to do with me. He claims that he just doesn't have that much of a sex drive anymore but it's not related to me at all. In his words, "I can't just turn it off and on like a switch. When it happens it happens and if you're there when it does great but just because you're there doesn't mean it's going to happen." This makes sense, I mean, a person can't be horney all the time. It's pretty obvious that a lot of the times I want it more than he does. I'm a healthy 19 year old girl-he is a healthy almost 20 year old boy. How is it that someone that young just suddenly doesn't really have a drive for sex anymore? If it's not something related to me or our sex life then what IS it? I don't blame him for not being horney all the time but from what I gathered tonight MOST of the time we do stuff he does it just because he thinks I'll be offended if he tells me he's not in the mood. And while that may seem curteous, I think it hurts a little more knowing that most of the time you are sexual with someone you love they're thinking about things your sex time is taking them away from. If I choose to believe him, which I probably should do since he's brutally honest and wouldn't lie to me about stuff, then it's not something I can change by changing something in myself. I know he loves me and I know he's attracted to me. I just wish that equated to him being more interested sexually in me more of the time. Sorry to be blunt, but I like sex and it sucks a little when the only person you have sex with doesn't like to indulge as much as you do. With the exception of this sex thing, we have a strong relationship. I don't really mention it all that often because most of the time I try to put it out of my head or whatever but I know it's one of those things that's going to keep nagging at me until my own sex drive tails off. But honestly, I'm 19, I've had one sex partner (not including oral) my entire life and being so young I think I should be having a lot more sex than I am having. I wouldn't ever end our relationship over it, but it's just something that nags at me in the back of my mind sometimes.




So tonight...we came to a compromise. He said that from now on when he's not in the mood he'll tell me he's not in the mood so I don't continue doing stuff and have him just go along with it even though he's not into it. I said that from now on I'd be more considerate to his situation (ie: Does he have a test to study for, is it late, is he tired, does he have to drive me home, etc.) so if I notice that some or all of the above is happening I can avoid the sex topic all together and just understand that tonight would not be a good night to indulge. I think it's a pretty fair compromise since I know I haven't ever thought of the fact that he has to get up early or drive me home or things like that when instigating sex. Just because I'm a night owl doesn't mean he is too. I feel badly that it's taken me this long to realize I've been an inconsiderate girlfriend. I hope that from now on I'll actually keep all of those things in mind when I venture out to Mike's place. I should really be a lot more mature about this whole thing. I can't say what's going to happen in the future but I hope our agreement tonight works out for the better. I have a feeling it's going to result in us having a lot less sex...but I guess if that's what it takes to keep things good then it's for the best. You have to keep trying in a relationship or else it all goes to hell. Everyone makes sacrifices so I guess now I know mine.

Is it possible to have a one-sided love affair with someone you've never met? There's a boy online. I found his journal about a year ago and I read every so often. I love this boy I think. He makes me laugh and he's deep but good looking as well. I've never actually talked to him which I realize is kind of creepy/stalkerish-but oh he's wonderful. I think everyone in the world should have a wonderful person just for them. I think I'm a touch weird...but whatever :)

We were all supposed to go to the bar tonight but the guys had hockey and the girls all cancelled. This left Mike and I pretty much to ourselves. This is how the conversation went:



Me (jokingly): wanna fuck?



Mike: I'm not in the mood right now. That might be changed but I need to study. I know if you come over I won't get anything done.



Me: Okay. Hahaha you're awesome! I don't know any other guys who would turn down a blatant attempt at a proposition.



Mike: I'm not most guys.



Me: I know.



Mike: Besides, it turns me off when you say it like that. I'm going to the bank. ttyl



I mean sure it was totally Samantha from Sex in the City, but it was a joke...I dunno...I guess the point is that if your gf wants to fuck (we haven't done it in like a week almost) you should maybe take her up on her offer? Or at least jokingly play along? Being turned down when you proposition someone sucks. So...instead I'm going to my friend's res to watch Survivor and a movie. I hope he has fun studying :)



*Side Note: You can go to the bar with your buddies and get drunk but you can't make time to get it on with me? Glad to know where I stand. Jerk. And you are like other guys...a jerk.*

Dear Mike,

I don't understand you anymore. I thought I used to know exactly what you were like and now I question myself everytime I see you. I don't know whether you're upset, I don't know if you still care, and you won't say a thing. Maybe I just look into things too much...or maybe you were quiet tonight for a different reason. Maybe you didn't come to touch me, or come to kiss me, or smile at me first because you were tired. I mean that could happen right? Tonight I just felt like I was putting in all the effort. And goodbye in the car...a little awkward I think...I'm sure you would agree. You just looked at me as if to say "what do you want?" and then I asked if i could have a goodnight kiss and you gave me one and then looked at me again as if to say "what?"...I was hoping you'd say your usual "love you lots babe" but it never came. I finally said "I love you" and you said it back but there was no feeling there. Hell I'm probably just looking into this way too much but this feels so much like deja vu...this same thing happened earlier in our relationship and it took a good week for you to figure stuff out, leaving me in an emotional hell while you did it. I don't want to be strung along again. I just don't understand what's changed in a week? What in the course of a week made everything go from "I can't believe I'm this happy!" to "I don't know what's happening to us..." I dunno...I just hate not knowing, I had feeling sad, I hate feeling like I've let you down somehow or that for whatever reason I just don't do it for you anymore. I just want to know what's going on inside your head because all this questioning just makes me feel worse.
Love,
Me.

How is it possible that in the course of a week things have gone from amazing to terrible? Is this normal at all??? Mike and I used to never fight...it was unheard of! Then we came to University. We had a couple fights earlier in the year but everything was fine after and now just this week we had three major ones. What the hell is going on? He says they're all my fault and I keep picking fights with him and then getting angry over stupid things so he holds none of the blame. I don't know what to do anymore.
The first one was on the way to his house in the car. I'd been talking about hanging out with Ronny and then commented how Ronny said his projects for his college classes were like grade 7 projects. Then Mike got pissed off at me and said I was taking personal jabs at him saying that because he was in law class and world issues and didn't get as good of marks as me that I think he's not as smart as me. Just to clarify I didn't say ANYTHING like that at all! He totally threw that one at me out of nowhere and I denied it because I know he's just as smart as me. He could've gone to university but he chose college because of the program they had there for him. So we get back to his place and he spent the rest of the night ignoring even when I tried to put it behind us and then finally looks at me like 2 hours later and says "this night sucked" as if to say it was my fault it had been a shitty night. Then I asked him why he'd been upset with me all night and he said that the "personal jabs" I'd made to him in the car had pissed him off and he couldn't get over that. Then he took me home for a rather silent drive and I was just a little confused but moreso upset that he would think I would say stuff like that to try and hurt him.
The second fight was on the way back from his show in Oakville (the very next day). I had been quiet on the drive to the show but after a great night, a talk with Elsie and a beer a felt a bit better. On the way home he commented that I seemed a lot more cheerful than I had earlier and I told him it was because I'd decided it wasn't worth being upset over what'd happened the night before. He goes "Yea a figured that was it so I was like 'well if she's not goign to talk I won't either'" hence the quiet car ride to the show. I kind of put that behind me thinking it wasn't worth getting upset that he had a non-chalant attitude to the fact that he'd upset me the night before and started talking about going on a Student Exchange in third year to Scotland for a sememster (4 months). He told me to go for it and then reminded me the he can't handle long distance relationships...basically leaving me in the position of choosing to go to Scotland for an experience of a life time and losing him because of the distance or staying at home and staying with him. I love him and I don't want to loose him so I told him I'd just forget about it. Then he got mad or sorry "upset" rather because I said that I felt he would be the one to break it off if I went away. He himself TOLD me he can't handle long distance relationships so how else am I supposed to take that? I've had one before and made it work for 7 months so I know its not a problem for me so what else am I supposed to think? I know he'd try because he cared about me, but at the same time if I left I'd leave knowing that at any time he could call me and tell me its over and I wouldn't want to live with that kind of pressure on me so whatever forget Scotland. So that was basically the end of our second fight. I tried to tell him that I only thought he'd be the one to break it off in a strictly long distance sense because of what he'd told me before but he wasn't really listening. I wasn't mad at him at this point at all, just more worried that he was upset about me saying that.
So then there's last night. Again he tells me this is a stupid reason to be mad at him. We had a great day in the morning cause I stayed at his place and we'd had a great night the night before (just like old times sort of) and then we decided to go out to the bar. My friend picked me up and we went to a part in my res first off and told the guys we'd meet them at the bar because they were leaving before we were. They said that was alright and then that's how it was left. So we get to the bar and wait an hour in line almost in the cold and then get in only to find the guys aren't there. So we call them and ask where they are and they're friend goes "not at the bar. They're right here (in res)." So of course my friend and I are wondering why our bfs and friends ditched us. So I get Mike on the phone and he said they didn't feel like waiting in line so they took cabs all over to try and find a bar but they all had lines so they just went back to res...not really paying attention to the fact that we were going to be meeting them at the bar and waiting in one of those lines so justifiably (I think) we were a little pissed off. Understandibly they didn't have a number to call us at so they couldn't tell us they weren't staying but if it were us we would've stayed regardless. But Mike basically turned around the argument and got mad at me saying I didn't have any reason to be mad at them and I was being stupid about it. He then said that the guys had a right to be mad at us for not leaving a number to call them at (who leaves a number when going to a house party??). So I was able to talk to Mike this morning and he asked if I was annoyed about last night still and I was so I said yes. In my opinion we weren't over reacting. We would've (and did) wait in the line for them but they couldn't do the same for us? Mike told me he'd wanted to stay but the guys all wanted to leave so he went with them. That made me feel a bit better at least. But he still insisted that it was stupid for me to be mad at all about the situation even though when the SAME thing happened to him with the SAME guy friends in September he was SOO pissed off. So he can be pissed off when it happens to him but I can't? What sense does that make? I think it would make sense fo rme to be even MORE pissed off at the time considering it was my boyfriend and not my friends who ditched me. But regardless, knowing he wanted to stay made me feel better about it. So I said that I hoped we'd have a good week this week without any fights because I really didn't want to fight with him anymore. He goes "yea we'll see". Then tells me that he hates fighting too and says that I picked fights with him all week and got mad at him for stupid reasons. Then he's like "yea well I'm done talking about this. I'm going to study. Bye." and is gone like that. I know he's mad cause normally he says I love you or MWAH or give me kisses and hugs but none of that. Did I really pick these fights or was he an equal party too? I'm a REALLY reasonable person and a lot of things that i'm fine with my gfs are like "oh if that was me I'd be so pissed off" so I know I'm not one of those people who flies off her handle at the smallest thing.
I guess what I want to know is am I overreacting? I don't think I picked fights with him over stupid reasons I thought they were pretty valid reasons (like last night) and some nights he totally picked fights with me (the car ride) but apparently its all MY fault. If there are any guys out there who read this please tell me somehow whether I'm being a psycho g/f or just being normal? My email is: emokidsrus@hotmail.com I'd really appreciate it. I think what worries me the most is when we used to talk about his past relationships he would tell me that when he wanted to break it off with someone he'd just pick fights over stupid things so they'd break up with him. That's what has me worried the most. If that's what he's trying to do then why? I can't see anything that would've made him do this. Things were so great less that a week ago and now? I just don't get it! What happened in a week? This week I refuse to pick fights. I'm going to be the nice, docile, sweet, caring gf who doesn't argue about anything that I usually am and then we'll see. I want to know for sure who's starting these fights and if there are ones this week it for sure won't be started by me.

I'm just talking with Mike right now about how things were before we started dating. We've almost been together 2 years now and I think we love each other more than when we first told each other we did. It seems like the longer we're together the stronger our love for one another grows and the closer we become. I'm glad. I think that's the way things are supposed to be. The first time we officially met was in grade 10 religion class. He sat in front of me next to my friend Larissa. Thank God for her too-we never would've met if I hadn't of asked her who her seat mate was. After that it was one flirtation after another. Eventually we sat beside each other in the classes we had together and started sort of "seeing" each other. I was dating ppl at the time and so was he, but we didn't really care. We would go bowling and to Timmies and one night we went to Midnight Madness downtown. I think after that night we knew. We actually smiled so much our faces hurt and I remember how my hand ached to hold his. It was a great time! About a year later we finally made it together and here we are today...and I still love him. Thank God I have someone this wonderful in my life. :)

It's almost 3 am and I'm sitting in my bed thinking that there is something that I'm meant to do with my life. Everyone has a purpose and I'd like to know mine. I've always known that I was meant to do something greater than the mundane of everyday life but I can't figure out what that something is. Its a feeling that gnaws at me...not all the time, just when I least expect it to. It's an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, antsy...almost as if its saying that I'm letting my great purpose in life slip through my fingers. How am I to know when I'm doing the right thing? None of us really know I suppose. I don't want to wake up married with two kids one day when I'm 40 and wonder what happened to my great important thing. Maybe I'm supposed to write. People tell me I'm good at it, but I'm very critical of my own work. I've written approximately 3 pieces out of hundred that I can honestly say I'm proud of...but even then they still need to be fine tuned. I've always wanted to write a book. I think I'm going to make that one of my goals. I don't have the knowledge, time, or inspiration to do it now, but one day soon I will write one. It'll be a good book too, something that a lot of ppl can read and enjoy. Something that's truely original, from my own mind. I think that's one thing that will take a great weight off my shoulders once its done...but it will be something I can be truly proud of.

Just one a side note, COMPLETELY off topic...I'm about 300 pages into Diana Gabaldon's third novel in her "Outlander" series, "Voyager" and I absoloutly love it. If you haven't heard about this writer, or this series I highly suggest you pick it up to read. It isn't really a guys thing, its the type of novel any woman between the ages of 19-45 would enjoy. Its a romance, but always found in the fiction section. Its probably the most romantic story I have ever read, without it being cheesy, trashy, or lacking in strong character or plot development. On the contrary, the "Outlander" series is historical (the majority of it is set in 18th Century Scotland) containing many true characters in the political uprisings of that time as well as an acute attention to historical facts and details. But aside from that the characters in the book are developed so much so that by this third novel, when the characters cry, I cry. You almost become emotionally attached to the couple of Claire and Jamie as they come together, are torn apart, and finally come together again. They have that kind of relationship in the novel that every woman, at one point or another, hopes to have without it being predictable or cliche. Its the kind of relationship where they truly care for one another sometimes without even realizing how much so. The basic jist of the story is that in the 1940s, shortly after the ending of WWII, a field nurse named Claire goes on a 2nd honeymoon with her husband to Scotland so he can research some of his family history. While there Claire goes to one of those ancient stone circles and is somehow taken back in time to the 1740s. After being attacked, shot at, chased, and nearly raped by a man who looks identical to her husband but is actually his great great grandfather, she is abducted by Scotish Highlanders and taken to a castle somewhere in the Highlands. After spending time there she gets to like the people well enough and takes a liking to this guy Jamie whose shoulder she mended when they first met. Claire ends up being forced to marry Jamie because the English think she's a spy and want to arrest her. Claire and Jamie end up realizing that marriage isn't so bad and start having real feelings for one another...but Claire still desperately wants to get back home to her husband in the real world so Jamie gives her the choice...and thats basically where the story begins. A lot of it is centered around the different clans and their relationship to the battle at Culloden and and uprising in 1745 (this is in the 2nd book if you keep reading in the series). Anyways now that I've blabbed on and on...it is really a fantastic series. Probably one of the best I've ever read. Just a warning though, the books are lengthy (starting from 800 pages and up) but you go through them very quickly. I would probably leave reading them until the summer or spring break, when you have time to really enjoy them.

Well that's enough out of me. I should probably go to sleep or something. It's really boring without a roommate :P Lindsay went home so I'm all by my lonesome :( Night!