Time for an update -

I rediscovered this blog today and figured it was as good a time as any for an update. I have an LJ account now that I post to pretty frequently, but I don't like leaving things unfinished and this blog was definitely unfinished for me.

Since it ultimately became my diary of my relationship with Mike, I think it's time I finally put that to rest.

I guess it's no real surprise that we broke up in September of '07 - for good. While things had been nice at first, once I moved to Guelph we were right back facing all the problems that had plagued us before and that was that. I knew it the first time he came to visit me in Guelph. He didn't say anything then, but I could read it in his expressions, his mannerisms, and how closed off they were. I was so mad at him then. Mad because the only reason I got back together with him was because he'd convinced me that he'd changed. I felt like I'd been lied to, or deceived, and that hurt more than anything else. I'd wasted months of my life (more time!) committing myself to something when he wasn't doing the same.

Well, life lesson I suppose.

I've since moved on and am enjoying single life immensely. I have no desire to be in another relationship right now. I've gone on dates, messed around a bit, but at the end of the day I just have too many other things on my plate. I'm finishing grad school in a month, for one thing, and then I'm heading to Scotland for an academic conference (still can't believe I got accepted to that!) and then it's off to Japan for at least a year. I have so many good things going for me right now and nothing whatsoever dragging me down. It's an incredible feeling!

Mike and I are, of course, still good friends. I think perhaps we get along so well because neither of us has started dating again. To be honest, I think he's still in love with me a bit which is an interesting position to be in. Noelle told me a few weeks ago that he's having trouble finding someone because he put me on such a pedastal that his expectations keep getting disappointed. It's satisfying to hear, not going to lie, but really at this point I just want him to be happy. I've moved on, so he should too.

The only thing that's irked me since the break up was the time he propositioned me for casual sex (and was declined). Sorry, but you didn't really think we'd break up and that I'd still be there for a good lay whenever you felt the need? hahahaha. The no sex was my stipulation and it's been great so far. It really takes all the awkward heartache out of a break up.

Sex screws with your emotions because when you've been in a relationship with someone it's near impossible to disassociate the sex from the emotional connection. I tried telling Chris that all the time, but she only just recently started listening. I think she's a lot happier now too, and finally moving on to someone decent :)

So that's where it stands. I'm single and happy and feeling about a million pounds lighter without all that excess emotional baggage. As rocky as my relationship with Mike was, I appreciate it for the lessons it gave me at the same time. I've learned a lot about myself through this process and what I want out of a partner. My standards may be high, but I see no reason to settle. I'm perfectly satisfied with my life as a single-ton. If I enter into a relationship in the future it's going to be for the right reason - because I genuinely want to be with that person - not because I feel alone or that I need to be in a relationship to be happy. Honestly, I'd rather be in no relationship than a bad one and that's the philosophy I'm going to work with from here on out.

Besides, I'm confident that some day I will find the right person for me. I'm a romantic at heart. I believe that there is such a thing as two people who are destined to love each other. I've got no problem being patient :)

Addendum:

I've gone back and read a few of my older posts. All I can do is shake my head. Why the hell did I put up with that for so long? If the me now was talking to the me then, I would've given myself a teeth-rattling shake in the hope of shaking some sense into my brain. Jesus Christ... Well, at least I can see the error of my old ways and with any luck I'll never repeat my past mistakes. If I ever wondered why I kept this blog around - that is exactly why. To remind myself of where I was, and where I never want to be again.

Best of luck, one and all, in love, life and happiness.

Peace.