I ride to work every day with a girl who has 2 cigarettes on her way in. One when she first gets in the car and one about half way through the trip. Today on the radio news they had a broadcast about all the different cancers smoking gives you. I told her about how my friend's mom smoked for 20+ years of her life and got cervical cancer. Cervical cancer is rough. Unless you catch it right away you're dead. Thankfully my friend's mom was a nurse and lived. She still smokes though and her cancer will probably come back if she keeps it up. The girl I go to work with thought for a minute and commented on how scary and depressing that was. She didn't have her second cigarette on the way in.

I am stoned blah blah blah I am stoned blah blah blah this song is great. I dunno what it is but I can't get it out of my head. I love being high...honestly it's great :) I wouldn't do it all the time but every so often at parties it's just really fun. I blazed tonight with the crew and it was hella good. I miss the Land Before TIme..what a great movie! I always cry when littlefoot's mom dies. Warren and Brad were both at Jess's tonight! my two favourite boys! Warren is an angry violent drunk and Brad is a depressed/tired one. I wish I'd made myself look a little nicer to go but whaaateva...I can't think things like this after having a great weekend with Mike. Hopefully we get to go watch fireworks tomorrow! YAY!!! I can't wait to move into my house :D I don't have the munchies but I'm restless. I wish there was still a thunder storm so I could listen to it stoned...that would be AWESOME! Anyways going to go go now...wake me up before you go go cause I don't wanna be let alooone...oo yea
Peace :)

I just got this email that was a response to this other email called "26 Things the perfect man would do". It was basically a hugely long male chauvanist rant about how holding your girlfriend's hand and hugging her from behing and stuff means that you should cut off your balls and become a woman. Man...this guy honestly must be the lonliest person in the world. Does he honestly think that with an attitude towards relationships and women like the one he had that he's EVER going to be happy in a relationship? It's ppl like that who are the reason why divorce rates are skyrocketing. People are so freekin self centred nowadays. It's always me me me. It's fucking bullshit. So what if a guy decides to hold his gfs hand or give her a hug from behind. All it shows is that you love the person you're with. You're not freekin' making out on a street corner or anything like that. If a guy can't get down off his pedistal long enough to hold his woman's hand than he's got some issues to deal with. I think one of this guys's comments was "If women ruled the world we'd still be looking for the wheel"...my response would be that if women ruled the world there'd be a lot less war and a lot more useful and productive things being developed. Par example...windshield wipers. A woman invented those. Without windshield wipers we wouldn't be able to drive in the rain or snow and would be stuck at home. Thank you to women for giving us freedom to drive :)

soo fucking bored...I should've gone to the game but it would've been too much trouble. Why does he invite me when he knows I won't be able to come or it's going to be too big of a hassle for everyone if I do? It was nice to be invited but at the same time pointless. All it did was make me feel bad about being left out. He said we can go see Shrek 2 tomorrow but I have a feeling that won't pan out either. He works until 9 so good luck to us getting a ticket. The best nights always go to the guys :P

Last night Mike and I had a "talk" for about an hour or two in my garage (it was raining outside). I just had to talk to him about some relationship stuff that had been bugging me and finally get it off my chest. I ended up crying because I was frustrated (I HATE when I do that!) but by the end of it Mike was crying a bit too so it made it okay. I'd never seen him cry before and then when we were talking about our relationship together he was telling me how much I mean to him and then he started. He told me that I was his perfect person and he loved me more than anything in the world. Having someone show that kind of dedication and love to your face is hard to grasp sometimes. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me and my heart melted. I realize that's corny but there's no other way to describe the feeling. If everything in your life sucks but you know that someone who you love very much loves you more than anything in the world it makes everything suddenly okay. He also told me that he would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of his life with me and he was serious about it too. We're not kids and this isn't a puppy crush where you talk about marriage but you never really think about it truly happening...this is different. We're both in out 20s now almost and we've been together for two years. We have a very mature and close relationship with one another so when he talks about being together for the rest of our lives I listen. I think about it sometimes...what it would be like to marry him...to have kids with him...I wonder what things will be like ten years from now. I wouldn't want to get married now. I may be young but I'm not stupid. I know that we both have a lot of growing up and changing to do. Who knows, in ten years we may be entirely different people than we are today. I'm very career oriented as well so I won't be looking to get married until I'm out of Law School...I think by that time we'll both have a good idea of who each other is going to be in their adult years and if we still click with one another. It's definitely best not to rush into things. I could be happy with him. I could see myself having kids with him...he'd be an amazing dad I know it already from the way he acts with his brother. He has all the great qualities that women look for in a man and I am very thankful that I've had the opportunity to have a relationship with him and love him. Who knows where the road will lead us in the future but we'll handle it together :)

So Mike and I went to his place tonight to chill and watch some Family Guy episodes. We ended up getting into the mood I guess and he got himself a BJ and then couldn't return the favour. It's not that he wasn't trying, he just wasn't doing anything...satisfying...so he was disappointed in himself. It's becoming a trend with him now that once he's had what he wants I don't get anything in return but that's not the point of this post at all. For some reason we began to talk about sex in marriage and he asked if he wasn't able to satisfy me anymore would I leave him. So I thought about it. Eventually I told him that if after trying everything possible to guide him in various ways in which he could pleasure me and he still wasn't successful then I'd have to leave him because I'm only 19 and I can't tie myself down to someone who can't pleasure me sexually for the rest of my life. It just isn't fair to me. I have my entire post menopausal years to be not sexually active so why stop now? A relationship without a sexual component to it is just a strong friendship not a full relationship. He doesn't seem to see it that way though. He seems to think he could quite happily live the rest of his life totally without sex of any kind and still be with me in a relationship because he thinks that's what relationships should be...that they shouldn't be based on sex at all. He has some valid points. I mean you should be able to sustain a relationship without sex being the only thing holding you together but sex is important too. How many marriages split up because people look for sex elsewhere when they aren't getting any at home? A marriage without sex in it is simply not a happy marriage. People need sex. It's the way God made us (or if you don't believe in God, it's the way we genetically evolved). We are programmed for sex...sex causes procreation and procreation is the whole reason we have sex organs to begin with and the entire reason we are born. Our purpose is to procreate therefore why WOULDN'T we be naturally inclined to want sex? *whew* That was one heck of an argument :)

So basically Mike said that he wouldn't marry me if I thought sex was a necessary factor in a relationship. This is an argument we've had many times. He seems to think of our relationship as an old married couple who are well past their prime and no longer need to have sex to have a fulfilling relationship. That's all well and good for him but I hope that I'm one of those post-menopausal women who still DOES have sex. Why should women stop having sex just because they can't have children any more? Does reaching the older stage of our life make it any less important? NO! People can still be sexy at 50. Women can still have a sexual prowress at that age and men (with the help of Viagra) can have it too. Jesus, maybe I'm being all new age about this or something but it all seems pretty reasonable to me. So it gets me thinking...can I spend my life with a person who is telling me at 19 that they're not interested in sex? All I can think about when he tells me that is "Can I really give up 30 years of sexual activity for this one guy?" He makes me happy. He's emotionally supportive and caring. He loves me and tells me so every day. He's basically what all women want in a man. And to boot he's great in bed (with the exception of tonight) when we actually DO get it on...so it leaves me to wonder. Could I possibly find a man with all of the above qualities who likes sex as much as I do? I think I'm just dreaming now...

Well I refused to say any of this to Mike tonight because it was his Birthday (Happy 20th!) and I didn't want to have a fight with him on his birthday. So instead I said nothing and will probably say nothing until months from now when it comes up again. We really need to have a gooood long talk about this and work it out because we don't see eye to eye and we both agree it's a fairly big issue. We've talked about it before but we never get anywhere because I always give in and say "fine forget it" and we move on. One time though I'll make him listen to me...make him hear me out...maybe he'll finally understand some of what I'm saying.

I went to Cam's play tonight. It was good (well he was good) but some parts were REALLY boring. I dunno...I think they could've made it a little bit better...but some of the actors were pretty sweet. Hermes...hahaha what a character. It was funny because afterwards we saw Cam's mom and started talking to her and then Cam's brother Ryan came over (he goes to Uni with me) and we started talking. According to Sara he was totally hitting on me and he's quite good looking now. I think he's 20 something now and in med school. The funny part is...my last memory of this guy was when he was 14 and throwing rocks at my head hahaha. I used to have a crush on him way back when, when we first met at the tender ages of 5 and 7 hahaha God...I remember trying to help him bury Charlie in a hole hahaha! And then laughing when my sister mooned him (she was like 3 at the time) oooh lordy...so yea...it's funny to go from thinking of him as a kid to realizing 'hey! he's a man now...and a good looking man too!' I'm so glad he straightened his life out. He was headed for the bad road for a while with gangs and stuff but after he got stabbed in that fight he made a complete turn around and now look at him. It's amazing I think. Well hopefully I'll see him around campus some more :) He seemed really nice. It'd be cool to catch up on old times.
Anyways, that's enough out of me. Goodnight~

Mike called me today from Montreal. I thought it was really sweet :) I hope his show goes well!

I FINALLY got out of the house today! I went with Tenni and Sumo to go see Mean Girls hahaha it was a good movie...I laughed for most of the first half and then it got kinda sappy near the end but I guess it all had to be there. It was pretty predictable how it turned out but it was still okay nonetheless. After the movie we went over to Demetries and chatted for a while while devouring cheescake, apple pie, and green tea MMMM god we're such yuppies! hahaha then it was off to Timmies since apparently it's the only place open until 3 am hahaha so yea all in all I'd say it was a good night. It felt GREAT to get out and I only spent 12 bucks :D YAY!

I guess that's enough out of me. I'm not tired at all but I guess I'll go to bed or something...maybe I should go to lengths swims tomorrow too like I did today :) It was AWESOME! Note to self: Remember to go see Cam's play! TOMORROW!

For some reason every time I've talked to him this week I've left feeling frustrated, irritated, and confused. I'm mainly confused because I don't really know what I'm irrirated and annoyed with him all the time. I don't think he knows and everytime he suspects something I say everything is great but I just don't know. Maybe it's that I can't think of anything to say to him now. Now that we're home I'm back to my boring life with nothing to do. How can you have a conversation with someone when you've done nothing all day and what you have done (ie: read) doesn't interest them in the least? Maybe I'm also annoyed because anytime we do talk it's about drums and what kind of drums he wants and link after link of drum pictures and debating which drum kit to buy from which company etc. etc. etc. Normally I don't mind this and I like that he asks my opinion on what kinds of drums to get and stuff...but today I just didn't care at all. Sometimes I do but today I didn't. It was literally the ONLY topic of our conversation for an hour and a half. When he asked me about the O.C that spiced things up for a bit and we (I) talked for a while on that but it was pretty much juuust drumtalk. I'm supposed to go see him tomorrow when he gets home from work. I know I'll have nothing to say though because I won't do anything interesting during the day mainly because I have no money to go out so I'll sit at home and ooh I dunno clean or something and then go see him at 10. I should get up early tomorrow and go swim lengths at the pool....work off some of this fat ass of mine.

...I think more than anything I'm bitter that our year together is over. No more going over to his place to hang out...no more privacy...no more freedom to do whatever we want...that's all over with and I have 4 months of 60 hr work weeks and no time to see each other ahead of me and then another 8 months of not seeing each other with the exception of bi-weekly (if I'm lucky) conjugal visits...woohoo! I'm not giving up or anything but it's definitely true that the fun times are over. Who knows when we'll get to see each other next year especially if I have a job while I'm at school. But there's hope. Like Aaron's said so many times before...If you guys can make it through this year then you'll be together forever. Let's hope the 2 years of the good times are enough backing for this next one...

...There are so many reasons why I can't show you this journal and this is one of them. If you knew that I was upset about this then you'd probably have reservations about doing it and I can't let you do that. You have to follow your dreams. I'm just a player in your life and if we end you'll find someone else to make you just as happy, if not happier than I have made you (or tried to) so I really hope you don't consider me in your decision...it wouldn't be fair to you. I love you too much to hurt you like that.

I always imagined myself as one of those people someone could turn to and rely on. I wanted to be the person that people thought of as their strength, the one who had supported them through the rough times and gave them advice when they needed it. I'm somehow secretly satisfied that I can have this kind of role in my relationship with Mike right now. He asks me advice about what to do with his career and listens to what I have to say about it all, he relies on me to support him...stuff like that. If/when his band becomes big (which I hope they do since this has been Mike's dream since he was a kid) I know that people are going to think that myself and the other gfs are just in it for the money and all that stuff. I'd like to think if i was in it for anything it would be the satisfaction of knowing that should his band become big I would know that I had supported him from the start and he would know that too. I've had to work hard for everything in my life including paying for school now myself and I'm not used to having handouts. Even if Mike were making a million+ bucks a year I would still finish school, become a lawyer and have a practise. I would still pay for my own clothes and my own nice car. I'd help pay the bill and pay for the house. I've known Mike a lot longer without money than with money (should he become that rich) so I really doubt I would be "in it for the money" at all. I'm not that type of person. I don't want to rely on someone else for money or become dependent on anyone. Worse case scenario I should be able to comfortably support myself in the lifestyle I'm living in and I plan on doing that.
I just realized this rant is really pointless since 1) Mike isn't a rockstar yet and 2) I have no means to support the lifestyle i want for at least another 7 years at which time I'll need to pay off my massive law school debt...
Right.
I would rather pay for everything myself and be happy than have all the riches in the world and be unhappy. As crazy as it may sound to some people, if Mike and I are still together lets say 5 years from now and he's very wealthy because of his music career but turns into an asshole...I'll leave him. If he cheats on me with groupies...I'll leave him. If he becomes abusive...I'll leave him. If he becomes an alcoholic/drug addict and refuses to get help I'll leave him then too. I love him but if he turns out to be an ass down the line I'll have to give him up. I don't care how much money you have. If you treat someone like shit then you don't deserve to be with them. He treats me wonderfully now so I hope to hell this never happens but fame changes people so you never can tell.

Yes well this post is even more pointless now. I don't even know what I came on here to say originally. Well whatever...it's bedtime now. Night!

I haven't talked to her about the diary yet. I don't know how to approach it at all. I talked the her ex the other day and he told me that she doesn't talk to any of her old friends anymore. He said everyone sick of hearing about her new friends and that all she does now is hangs out with them and ignores her old friends. What a bitch. She might be my sister but what a shitty person. God she's changed so much this past year. I don't like the person she is now at all. It makes me almost embarassed to say she's my sister. I don't like associating myself with someone that's mean.

On a brighter note I had a nice time at Christine's get together tonight. It was her bday so everyone came out (well everyone but Ronny...what a jerk!). I'll never forget Jeremy's boxer brief dance complete with ass hanging out to The Darkness LMAO! I've never laughed so hard in my life hahahaha It was so great! Especially when he put his leg up on the pool table hahahahahaha! and the ass shaking too LMAO! Oh good lord! It was awesome when Christine's mom came downstairs too and saw him. She just burst out laughing! The only sucky part was that Christine was upset because her friend Chris wasn't really getting along with anyone. I didn't think he was such a bad guy when I met him but then I heard him talking shit about Anna when I was right next to him. I felt like turning to him and being like EXCUSE ME? He was calling her a bitch and stuff but she's one of the nicest people I know. He doesn't know her at all! I really would recommend that he not say stuff like that to anyone else because everyone loves Anna and it REALLY wouldn't go over well. Oh well whatever. I think the guy might as well get used to everyone being around because I really dont think Christine is just gonna drop all of her friends because he says he doesn't like them hanging around. She's better than that. I saw people trying to talk to him and include him and stuff so if he doesn't want to get along with people it's not because we haven't tried. I haven't talked to the guy that much at all but from what I heard him saying tonight I'm pretty iffy. I'll still give him a chance though. He hasn't said anything to/about me yet so we'll see.

Well anyways...I should go to bed or something. I have a nice day of shopping ahead of me tomorrow. Wheee!
Nighto!

"Touching YOUUUU...touching MEEEEE" haahaha!