I feel like I need to write about his right now so I'm going to. So things with Mike and I have been pretty rocky right now. He told me on Monday that he's not into the relationship anymore...that's was a dull knife right to the heart...or maybe a spoon? Scooping it out in little pieces? Well whatever analogy it was it broke my heart. Here I thought he was just being stressed about school because he gets like that when he has pressure from homework and assignments...but oh no...it seems that the problem is me. He said he didn't know why he wasn't into the relationship anymore but I just don't buy it. You don't just fall out of love with someone without a catalyst of some kind. So since Monday we've been "working" at putting things back together which is kind of hard when you don't know what the problem is to begin with. Maybe it's a good thing that he said what he did Monday. It's gotten me to thinking a lot about what I want out of this relationship and whether I'm still happy. Honestly, I'm not. I haven't been happy in this relationship since his attitude towards me changed about a month ago. All those things I loved about Mike and our relationship are suddenly no longer there. He said that he sometimes wondered what was left in our relationship when the sex was taken out...he thought it was pretty much just a friendship with sex added...he said there was no intimacy....This week I've realized that that's how he's treating me...like a friend. I get no special attention, no special consideration, he doesn't even compliment me I get dressed up to go out. How crap is it that his guy friends can say "Hey you look really nice tonight?" but he can't? Does he really care so little that doesn't even think of me in that way anymore? When we talk the only sign I get that we're in a relationship at all is when he says "love ya" before he leaves. It makes me so frustrated because he used to be so different with me. The one thing I could always count on was that he loved me more than anything...and to have that taken away...I can't even tell you what that feels like. Am I just longing for something that is never coming back? Is it too much to ask to want him to hold my hand, to give me kisses, and hug me sometimes and maybe even tell me I look nice once in a while? It's almost seems like he feels he doesn't have to do those things anymore since we've been going out so long. Why do men think it's okay to give up once they reach a certain point in their relationship. Are women just supposed to spend the rest of their time pining for the good old days? Those things are what I enjoyed most about our relationship...they were what made Mike stand out from all the other assholes out there and now he's becoming one of the pack? If this is the way things are supposed to be with us from now on I don't want any part of it. I'm not happy. I've never felt so unwanted in my life. I am last on his list of priorities and his excuse is that everything else he does gets booked way in advance so there's nothing he can do about it. So what...am I just supposed to be last on your list forever? At what point do I become important...at what point do I begin to matter? I feel like our relationship has taken about a million steps backwards. Why does he have to be such a stupid man? I know this is entirely happening because our 4 year anniversary is in a month and he's getting all spooked thinking that he needs to give me some kind of commitment or is re-evaluating our relationship trying to decide if he wants to stay with me forever. It's so annoying! What's the worst thing for me right now is that I feel like I need to prove that I'm worth him dating me or something. I'm not a bad catch. I'm smart, I'm decent looking, I have a good personality and I'm nice. I'm a good catch I'm not some kind of bum he'd be settling with. I don't see what his problem is. And no I'm not this conceited...I just need to keep things in perspective because I'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I feel lucky to have Mike but I also choose to be with Mike. If he decides I'm not good enough for him than I know I will find someone else but I am with him because I like(d) how he treated me. This whole situation is so frustrating because I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall. Do we have to break up for him to realize that he wants to be with me? With Kris and Amanda the same thing happened at about the 4 year mark...why are boys so dumb? They're both back together with their men now and happy but they each went through a lot of pain and heartache for months over it. Is that really necessary? What is it about the separation that suddenly puts everything into focus? I just don't get it...and maybe women aren't supposed to get it. I was talking to Mel about this the other day and she said that when Taylor did this same thing to her he was ready to make up like the next day. She told me that she used to do all these nice things for him and now she just doesn't do them anymore. She's still nice to him and everything but she just doesn't go above and beyond anymore. And really...what is the point in trying to do anything nice? It's not like they really appreciate anything above and beyond. The response I get is "whatever...do what you want" or "sure if you want" or "I don't care" hey what about a THANK YOU? That would be nice! I don't want praise...just two words will let me know that you appreciate me going above and beyond. I can't believe I still get choked up thinking about this....it's like we've already broken up and I'm dealing with it...well I guess in a way it is like that. The really great part of our relationship is over and now I don't know what this is. It doesn't feel positive...it doesn't make me feel good about myself or want to talk to Mike more often. I honestly think talking to him makes me feel worse because it almost confirms for me that things are shit right now. He said on Tuesday that he was coming into this with a clean slate but none of the things I said I needed from him I've seen. He doesn't kiss me...I kiss him. He hardly spoke to me the other night when I went to his show. That made me feel good. I don't really know what I expected. God this has turned into the longest rant ever...but I do feel better now. I've gotten a lot out that had to be said. I wish I could say all of this to Mike but I think at this point it would be like flogging a dead horse. His response would be "if you're so unhappy then why don't you leave?" to which I would reply what? I love you? Somehow those three words just don't seem adequate enough anymore. I fell in love with a different Mike...one who treated me good and didn't hurt me...now I don't know who I'm with or why I'm staying...I guess I'm just hoping that the old Mike will suddenly resurface and everything can go back to the way it was.