I had an interesting dream last night. I was in a forest going on a nature walk with the Simpkins and my sister. We saw a herd of deer run next to us in the woods so we all stopped to watch. All of the deer were in pairs, male and female, and ran in one long column. I remember being pissed that I didn't have a camera on me and by the time I got it the deer were just finished and I didn't get a picture. Next thing I know we're in some crazy science exhibit except that the entire floor is about thigh high with water. We had to tread through the water to get everywhere. Inside the science exhibit I thought that it was really some alien space ship and I kept looking for a way to get out. I can't remember if I ever did get out or not. I just remember spending a lot of time looking for Sara in all the different rooms and I had to keep climbing up big tall ladders to get to other parts of the exhibit. All in all it was a weird dream. I wish I knew how to decode dreams so I knew what it al meant. It probably has something to do with the stress I'm under now. It's so weird how dreams are like that...my dreams are always fucked up though. Like seriously weird all the time. Mike can't make heads or tails of them either. He always ends up looking as confused as I do. Anyways...it's back to studying for me. I've got my American History exam on Sunday and my Scots History on Monday...I'm el fuckedo if I don't get my act in gear. This American History is really going to kill me. This last professor hasn't taught me shit...like seriously I remember one thing from all of his lectures and everyone keeps saying how hard this exam is going to be. Like I know shit all about American History...I don't really care about it either. You can't tell me that American kids are forced to take Canadian history courses in order to get their degree. It's so pathetic how little they know about Canada and how much American history we are force fed since grade school. It's really sick. Like I don't know if forcing me to learn American history is supposed to encourage me to have more repect for our neighbours to the South but it hasn't. If anything its made me more resentful of the fact that I have to learn about them at all. I'd much rather learn about what's going on in Europe but instead I have to waste a credit learning about all this crap. BOOO to that.

Sometimes it feels like he's stopped trying. It worries me because once they stop trying it means they aren't interested anymore. If you're interested and care you want to make sure everything is always great...if not then you think why bother and do nothing. I think this summer is going to be shit-tacular relationship wise. We already have nothing to say to each other - by his admission not mine - he won't talk to me anymore. I think the extent of his conversations in the past few days are as follows: "hey" *kiss*, "what are you on?", "i'm tired", "bye" *kiss*
So much for the romance. Even sex is apparently a chore for him now. I can't even blame that one on myself because he always says that my body is great etc. etc. I dunno....I somehow think that if I were doing something different he might be more into it...or just more horny in general. Who even knows anymore. Sometimes I get tired of trying to make the effort all the time just to have him brush it off later like "meh whatever I could do without" maybe I need to find someone who can't do without?

So I didn't get Mock Trial Commissioner for next year. Kristine did though so I'm happy for her but I can't help but be disappointed. I really thought I had a shot. Well apparently I'm doing something wrong because I haven't gotten a single thing I have applied for for over a year now. I am always so enthused to try for different positions but this constant losing is really taking a toll on me. Honestly. Here's my ongoing list starting from last year:

Creative Writing course (denied twice)

no summer job only one call back(applied at about 15 different places)

Transferring back to my home Chapters store(denied)

Tour Guiding position (denied)

EnviroWestern Commissioner (denied)

Amnesty International Co-Vice President (denied)

Mock Trial Commissioner (denied)

Unisource Scholarship (denied twice)

etc. etc. etc.

What a sad fucking list...and the best part is that I'm continually adding things to it. I wish it had something to do with my attitude going in but I go into these things so pumped and full of ideas. I just don't get it. There has to be something about me that's wrong otherwise ALL these places wouldn't be saying no to me. I'm starting to think it isn't even worth my time trying. I realize everything happens for a reason but I mean come on...what possible reason could there be that I haven't gotten ANY of these things in the past year and a half? Maybe I'm going to be dead by next year and it's saving everyone a whole lot of confusion....grim thought...but it's possible. Ahhhsshit....what's the point. I'm going to study so I don't fail my exams.

I am SOO PISSED OFF!!! Fucking Mock Trial! We got screwed out of the finals even though we were assured we wouldn't be because the other team decided that they weren't going to show up so all they had to go on with our score was our original score which they Xed by 2. SO ANNOYING! I asked her specifically if that would hurt our chances or getting in and she said that "ooh no don't worry because you guys have been screwed around so much I'm going to add points if i have to to make sure you get into the final round." What a fucking liar. I can't believe we wasted so much of our fucking time on this stupid fucking mock trial so they could screw us over like that. ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Most unorganized competition EVER!!!!
- A VERY pissed off me.

I have decided that I WILL go down to 135lbs before Mike's uncle's wedding. I need to fit into that dress and look nice about it. I did it last summer so I should be able to do it now. I think if I work out things will go much faster than they did last time. God I sure hope so....I really want to be 135 again. I'm not asking too much...only 10 lbs! It makes SUUUCH a difference!

For my own reference...here are foods I'm allowed to eat for the two-week induction period:
Fish including: tuna, salmon, sole, trout, flounder, sardines, herring
Meat including: beef, pork, lamb, bacon, ham
Eggs including: all forms
Shellfish including: squid, shrimp, crabmeat
*Note: I have left out other meats that I do not eat or cannot reasonably afford
Avoid processed meats and cheeses!
3-4 ouces of cheese including: cheddar, cow/sheep/goat cheese, cream cheese, gouda, mozerella, swiss
2-3 cups per day of the following vegetables: mushrooms, parsley, peppers, celery, chives, lettuce, romaine lettuce, cucumber
1 cup per day of the following vegetables: pumpkin, rhubar, asparagus, snow peas, bean sprouts, egg plant, spinach, broccoli, wax beans, tomato, bean sprouts, leeks, onion, zucchini
Acceptable spices/seasonings: use only oil and vinegar mix on salad for dressing, basil, garlic, rosemary, cayenne pepper, oregano, pepper, lemon juice
Avoid nuts, corn oil, soybean, or sunflower oils

[Greek Title] - Oscar Wilde

SWEET I blame you not for mine the fault was, had I not been made of common clay
I had climbed the higher heights unclimbed yet, seen the fuller air, the larger day.
From the wildness of my wasted passion I had struck a better, clearer song,
Lit some lighter light of freer freedom, battled with some Hydra-headed wrong.
Had my lips been smitten into music by the kisses that but made them bleed,
You had walked with Bice and the angels on that verdant and enamelled mead.
I had trod the road which Dante treading saw the suns of seven circles shine,
Ay! perchance had seen the heavens opening, as they opened to the Florentine.
And the mighty nations would have crowned me, who am crownless now and without name,
And some orient dawn had found me kneeling on the threshold of the House of Fame.
I had sat within that marble circle where the oldest bard is as the young,
And the pipe is ever dropping honey, and the lyre’s strings are ever strung.
Keats had lifted up his hymenæal curls from out the poppy-seeded wine,
With ambrosial mouth had kissed my forehead, clasped the hand of noble love in mine.
And at springtide, when the apple-blossoms brush the burnished bosom of the dove,
Two young lovers lying in an orchard would have read the story of our love.
Would have read the legend of my passion, known the bitter secret of my heart,
Kissed as we have kissed, but never parted as we two are fated now to part.
For the crimson flower of our life is eaten by the canker-worm of truth,
And no hand can gather up the fallen withered petals of the rose of youth.
Yet I am not sorry that I loved you—ah! what else had I a boy to do,—
For the hungry teeth of time devour, and the silent-footed years pursue.
Rudderless, we drift athwart a tempest, and when once the storm of youth is past,
Without lyre, without lute or chorus, Death a silent pilot comes at last.
And within the grave there is no pleasure, for the blind-worm battens on the root,
And Desire shudders into ashes, and the tree of Passion bears no fruit.
Ah! what else had I to do but love you, God’s own mother was less dear to me,
And less dear the Cytheræan rising like an argent lily from the sea.
I have made my choice, have lived my poems, and, though youth is gone in wasted days,
I have found the lover’s crown of myrtle better than the poet’s crown of bays.

When We Two Parted - Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever the years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder, thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk, chill on my brow,
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me...
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well..
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Phantom of the Opera...what an amazing movie! I loved the play too but hell, the movie is awesome and about 1/8 the price of a theatre ticket. I would definitely go see it again! I've always had a soft spot for the phantom. I feel really bad for him during the whole movie, and I can't help feeling that Christine should have stayed with him in the end. He's so alone in the world and all he wants is to be loved by someone. I always cry at the part when she leaves him and he has nothing left. Its such a powerful love story I think. Some people think he's twisted, but I can see the humanity in his character. The whole thing is just so powerful. I think its one of the few musicals whose music takes you through every emotion. It makes me wish I could sing. Currently I can't even speak, so I'm most definitely a far ways away from sounding anything like the singers in the theatre. *le sigh* If past lives are real then I've most definitely had one. There's no way I can feel the way I do all the time and not have lived some time before now. I'm too attached to the past for it not to have happened. I wish I could know what it was like. If I could build a time machine today I would do it and go back in a second, just so see it all for myself and know that I was there.

Today was a great day. I was in an awesome mood the entire day and it carried right through into the evening. I love days like these :) We just finished watching Center Stage. It's one of those good no brainer movies that keeps the mood light and passes time. Oooh Peter Gallagher hahaha. I still have no voice but its coming back in bits and pieces. I didn't talk to Mike today but that doesn't bother me. I don't really have much to say to him anymore anyways. Everything is just kind of stagnant right now. Not unhappy, but stagnant. I'm sure things will spice up sooner or later though. They usually do, it's all one big cycle after all.

There's so much more I want to say right now but its too heavy and personal and it would really bring down my current mood. I just want to DO something with my life, instead of going through everything just the way its supposed to be...all planned out and stuff. I like spontenaity, its what keeps life interesting. I always wonder if I'd stuck with one of the many things I tried as a kid, where would I be today? How differently things could have turned out...or maybe everything would be the same. Maybe I was never meant to do anything different other than to love history and be a book nerd. It's silly to think about it but sometimes I wonder...how different could my life be? And would I want it to be different?