A friendly update -

I haven't been this happy in a long time.

About a year ago I made a post on my LJ listing all the qualities I wanted to find in my perfect man. I figured none of them would actually exist all in one person, but I was just having a gaff so it didn't matter.

Well, he exists and I found him in New York City of all places. He's with me now in Japan and we're having the time of our lives.

The right one is so worth waiting for.

Time for an update -

I rediscovered this blog today and figured it was as good a time as any for an update. I have an LJ account now that I post to pretty frequently, but I don't like leaving things unfinished and this blog was definitely unfinished for me.

Since it ultimately became my diary of my relationship with Mike, I think it's time I finally put that to rest.

I guess it's no real surprise that we broke up in September of '07 - for good. While things had been nice at first, once I moved to Guelph we were right back facing all the problems that had plagued us before and that was that. I knew it the first time he came to visit me in Guelph. He didn't say anything then, but I could read it in his expressions, his mannerisms, and how closed off they were. I was so mad at him then. Mad because the only reason I got back together with him was because he'd convinced me that he'd changed. I felt like I'd been lied to, or deceived, and that hurt more than anything else. I'd wasted months of my life (more time!) committing myself to something when he wasn't doing the same.

Well, life lesson I suppose.

I've since moved on and am enjoying single life immensely. I have no desire to be in another relationship right now. I've gone on dates, messed around a bit, but at the end of the day I just have too many other things on my plate. I'm finishing grad school in a month, for one thing, and then I'm heading to Scotland for an academic conference (still can't believe I got accepted to that!) and then it's off to Japan for at least a year. I have so many good things going for me right now and nothing whatsoever dragging me down. It's an incredible feeling!

Mike and I are, of course, still good friends. I think perhaps we get along so well because neither of us has started dating again. To be honest, I think he's still in love with me a bit which is an interesting position to be in. Noelle told me a few weeks ago that he's having trouble finding someone because he put me on such a pedastal that his expectations keep getting disappointed. It's satisfying to hear, not going to lie, but really at this point I just want him to be happy. I've moved on, so he should too.

The only thing that's irked me since the break up was the time he propositioned me for casual sex (and was declined). Sorry, but you didn't really think we'd break up and that I'd still be there for a good lay whenever you felt the need? hahahaha. The no sex was my stipulation and it's been great so far. It really takes all the awkward heartache out of a break up.

Sex screws with your emotions because when you've been in a relationship with someone it's near impossible to disassociate the sex from the emotional connection. I tried telling Chris that all the time, but she only just recently started listening. I think she's a lot happier now too, and finally moving on to someone decent :)

So that's where it stands. I'm single and happy and feeling about a million pounds lighter without all that excess emotional baggage. As rocky as my relationship with Mike was, I appreciate it for the lessons it gave me at the same time. I've learned a lot about myself through this process and what I want out of a partner. My standards may be high, but I see no reason to settle. I'm perfectly satisfied with my life as a single-ton. If I enter into a relationship in the future it's going to be for the right reason - because I genuinely want to be with that person - not because I feel alone or that I need to be in a relationship to be happy. Honestly, I'd rather be in no relationship than a bad one and that's the philosophy I'm going to work with from here on out.

Besides, I'm confident that some day I will find the right person for me. I'm a romantic at heart. I believe that there is such a thing as two people who are destined to love each other. I've got no problem being patient :)

Addendum:

I've gone back and read a few of my older posts. All I can do is shake my head. Why the hell did I put up with that for so long? If the me now was talking to the me then, I would've given myself a teeth-rattling shake in the hope of shaking some sense into my brain. Jesus Christ... Well, at least I can see the error of my old ways and with any luck I'll never repeat my past mistakes. If I ever wondered why I kept this blog around - that is exactly why. To remind myself of where I was, and where I never want to be again.

Best of luck, one and all, in love, life and happiness.

Peace.

Well I suppose it's time for an update...but I'm mainly posting because I have an essay due in a few hours and I feel an incredible urge to procrastinate :) In life news I'm graduating in about two weeks YAY! I got accepted to a bunch of places for an MA but I ended up choosing Guelph because they offered me about 13 grand to go which I thought was a pretty sweet deal. I already know a few ppl at Guelph, including Sara of course, so hopefully it'll be a nice, easy transition :) Apparently my supervisor is a doll too according to ratemyprofessor.com so I really can't wait to get a chance to meet her.

I was reading over my last post and I figured I should probably post an update on the Mike situation. Well things got better near the end of the summer and then shitty again by Christmas so we broke up in January. It was actually a pretty smooth breakup. We just talked in his car till like 5 am one night and finally decided to go on a break which a couple of weeks later turned into a break up. Honestly when we first broke up I had NO intention of ever going back out with him again. The way I saw it, he'd treated me like shit for the better part of a year and I was more than willing to put that all behind me and just MOVE ON. Well about a month later I got asked out on a date by a long time guy friend of mine. He's a nice guy, graduate, decent looking, all that stuff so I said okay. So over reading week he and I went on a date and it was pretty good.

At this point Mike and I were still talking a lot. Even though we were broken up we pretty much talked every day. There wasn't any animosity there, though there really could have been on my part, but we both just wanted to stay friends so that's what we were. He's been my best friend for 5 years so broken up or not I didn't want to lose that part of our relationship. Everyone told me that I shouldn't tell Mike about my date because he didn't have a right to know about that part of my life anymore. I suppose that arguement makes sense, but me being highly drugged up on endocet after having my wisdom teeth removed decided that I had to tell him.

So out of that conversation I discovered two things, the first being that he had already gone on a date (and two weeks after we broke up no less!) and the other being that he wanted to talk about getting back together. Needless to say I wasn't impressed. He had what...two months by this time to mention to me that he was thinking of getting back together but instead he waits until I've started seeing someone else to mention anything?

Well anyways, after three weeks straight of badgering on his part and a couple more dates with my friend I decided to give him another shot. I'm not a sucker for punishment honestly! I would never have considered getting back with him if he was the same way towards me as he was before. He has made a complete change, back to the way he was when we first started going out and it's really amazing. When I look at him now I see the affection for me in his eyes and that was something I hadn't seen in so long before. We had so much fun going on dates together, even before we officially got back together, that it was like things were just meant to be.

I was really impressed by the way that he analyzed out relationship and evaluated what is important to him. For instance I was adament that I wanted to live with someone before I marry them which before now was something he was completely opposed to. Now he's talking about how he wants to buy a house for himself in a few years and then turn it into a home studio and then if I'm still in Canada he said he would want me to come live with him.

Another thing too...before when he would talk about getting jobs and stuff he made out like he could only get jobs down in the States or BC. He didn't even think about getting jobs close to home, or if he did he never mentioned it to me. Then when he would talk to me about it, it was as if he just assumed I would drop everything in my life and come with him. Now he's looking for jobs in Toronto or the GTA and even though he knows he could get jobs out in BC he says he's not interested in them right now because he has me to consider too and since I'll be at Guelph next year there's no way I could go out there with him. To me that's such a huge change. The fact that he's actually considering how I will factor into his future is like night and day to how things were at this time last year.

Things have been really amazing so far and I'm really happy how they've worked out. My family is still kind of skeptical, especially my sister, but I know that as long as he keeps treating me the way he has and our relationship stays strong then they'll come around eventually. Bottom line is that I love him and now I know he loves me too. The way things are going I can see a future with him now. I just really hope out relationship stays strong now that we both know what we have to lose if it doesn't.

So last night was Cristin and Ronny's birthday. It was a really fun party! Everyone was there and I actually got drunk for a change which was nice hahaha. Mike was there too but I might as well have not been there for the amount of attention he paid me. With the exception of asking me to move my feet so he could get by he didn't say one word to me all night or acknowledge me in any way. I got no smile, no arm around the shoulders, no kiss, no sitting next to me at all, I got nadda. Honest to god...what the fuck is his problem? It was to the point where OTHER PEOPLE were noticing and being like "hey are you two in a fight?" We actually weren't in a fight of any kind. Things had been going pretty good these past couple of weeks. We were seeing each other more and I was starting to warm up to the idea of staying in this relationship again. It felt good. Now it's like we're right back to square one. Pretty much every single guy there showed more interest towards me and paid me more attention than Mike did. There was no good reason for it either which irks me the most. As of Monday he's leaving to go on tour with his band and then when he gets back he's going on vacation. So I pretty much have a month of not seeing him and he decides to pull shit like that on one of the only nights we have to spend together before he leaves. What a fucking idiot. I started talking to the girls about this last night for the first time. So far through all of this I haven't said a word to anyone. I haven't asked anyone for advice or told anyone what was going on. So last night I decided to start talking to the girls to get their opinion. More than one of them was like "why are you putting up with that shit? Why are you giving him until September? If he's going to dick you around like that end it now." And all I could think was that I didn't want to break up with him before he went on tour and vacation because then that would ruin what would otherwise be a really fun trip for him. He has until tomorrow before he leaves but I really don't know if he's even going to bother to try and talk to me. If he doesn't make any effort to talk to me before he leaves on tour I'm considering this relationship over. That's inexcusable. I don't care if he fucking emails me...he had just better try something. I'm always the one to call or email or contact him online so now he can make the fucking effort. At this point...as much as I would like to just bitch him out...I don't think I'm going to. I'm just going to tell him...Look you know what you did to me the other night was a shitty thing to do. You know it's something that annoys me and I'm really disappointed that you would resort to doing that after all the stuff we've been through and have been trying to work on. And I'm going to leave it at that. End of story. He can do with it what he wants. If he wants to be in this he'll make an effort...some effort to make things up to me. If he doesn't then he won't. At that point he'll have made his decision and I'll have made mine - to end it.

I think that you don't have enough time in your schedule to commit to a relationship right now. I'm not sure what you think but seeing you one day a week just doesn't cut it for me. You've spread yourself too thin and it's time to start cutting things out, starting with me. Between the band, volunteering for Universal, ball hockey and doing work at the studio there is very little time left in your life to have any kind of meaningful relationship with me anymore. It's not the same as when we lived apart before. At least then when I saw you I had your full attention and I knew you were there because you really wanted to spend time with me. I know you try your best to spread yourself enough to do everything you want but it's just not working right now. When I do see you it's not the same. We're distant, more like friends than lovers. Sometimes I just don't want to be touched by you at all and other time I wish you would show me the faintest glimmer of affection...an arm around the shoulder, a hand hold, a small peck...but I end up disappointed. I know that I play a part in this equation just as much as you. Somewhere down the line I changed from the person you first started dating and I don't think you like who I've become. I'm more comfortable with myself now and I know what I want out of my life and what interests me but that doesn't mesh with the image you had of me in your head. I think in a way I've disappointed you...not lived up to everything you wanted me to be and for that I am truly sorry. I don't want to not be in love with you anymore. God, I wish everything was just the way it used to be but I think our lives are too different. I need a relationship and you don't want to give me any kind of commitment...you don't even like sleeping over at my house or I at yours. Things like that may seem small but they are important to me...they are symbols to me of a mature, caring relationship that is progressing towards a future. When we have sex I want you to stay over and sleep with me, not get up and go home. Sleeping together makes it all the more meaningful and makes it all feel less like a booty call for me. We've had this discussion enough times that I think it's fairly obvious we will never agree. You don't want to change for anyone and I think at this point it is going to cost you. I've told you things I need from you but I'm not getting them. I don't know if it's just that you don't realize I feel this way or you just can't commit any more effort than you already do...the bottom line is that I'm at the point now where I'm asking myself...Is this really something I want to keep working at? Sometimes I feel like things are never going to change with you and I should just move on. Is this relationship already dead? I know that when I look at pictures of us together I don't get that warm fuzzy feeling I used to get...now I get this ache of saddness in the middle of my chest. Am I mourning for something that was once great but I know never will be again? I don't know...I don't definitively know the answer to any of the questions I've just asked myself but I know that in my heart I can't feel the same way for you now that I did before. I just don't think I'm attracted to you in that way anymore. Your personality has changed and I just don't think we click anymore the way we used to. When we hang out it feels awkward and strained, each of us judging the actions of the other instead of just letting things be what they are. I know that after all of this I still want to be close with you...just not romantic with you. I don't know if I have the courage to tell you how I feel right now...I'm scared that this is another "episode" where I'm all screwed up in the head and I'm not thinking straight...I really don' t know if it is or not. In a way I'm glad you are going away for a month. It gives me a long time to think about exactly how I feel and get a glimpse of what life will be like without you in it the way you are now. I think after that I'll have a much clearer understanding of where I stand emotionally...but for now this is how things are...

I am really really happy. Mike and I talked last night and he understands why I was upset. YAY! He complained that I had been bitchy to him all week, or really just not my usual self, and I told him why I'd been annoyed. I didn't like feeling like he didn't care about what was going on in my life. I explained that when he does things like calls me while he's playing a game with his buddies and doesn't pay attention to anything I am saying, or takes 5 minutes between each message on MSN but doesn't tell me he's working on something, I feel like he really doesn't care about what is going on in my life or how I am doing. I was really happy that he was so understanding about the whole thing. I didn't realize he was as perceptive as he is. He picks up on everything. Like when I didn't hold his hand in the car on the way home last weekend he knew I was annoyed at him. I think that's pretty perceptive for a guy. He told me last night that I have been different the past few months, not the same person I usually am with him. So I had to tell him that it went back to him saying he wasn't into the relationship anymore. That made me really insecure so whenever he's having a bad week or stops listening I immediately think that he wants out which sucks. I don't think he realized how much impact him saying that to me had. He knows now though which is good. He knows it hasn't been easy for me these past couple of months to try and be everything he wants me to be. I was really happy though that he told me he notices everything I do for him, all the little things and really appreciates them. He just doesn't know what to do for me to pay me back. I told him I don't want him to do anything except be the nice Mike that I'm used to. The one who is fun and laughs and wants to do things with me and have fun. I'm tired of the grumpy Mike because lately it felt like that was all I was getting. We were both at fault for dumping on each other all the time. I think when you get comfortable in a relationship you think it's okay to dump on the other person all the time but you don't realize how much of a downer you're being. I really didn't realize I had become so much of a complainer to him lately. I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who complained all the time either. I really hate being like that. So at least I know now that's something I can work on. It's good sometimes to have someone point out the things you do that might be bothering other people without you even realizing it. I'm glad we had a good talk last night. I really hope things will get back on track now. Our anniversay is Friday and we're both planning to have a fun day in Toronto. :) Yay!

Sometimes it just feels so hard. We take one step forward and three steps backwards. I don't understand why when it comes time for our anniversary every year we don't get along for that entire week. He suddenly withdraws and doesn't want to have sex or talk or do anything with me really and then after the anniversary is over everything is fine again. Maybe he's afraid of committment? Well I think that's a piss poor excuse. I haven't pushed him for any committment this year. I know it's pointless. We've been dating 4 years now and we've never lived together. We haven't ever seriously discussed living together. Not because I wouldn't want to live together but he's not willing to compromise so neither am I. I can't help but think sometimes that I'm wasting my time with him. Everything was great before because I knew he actually really loved me. He was like REALLY in love with me. I don't get that feeling anymore. Maybe it's because he told me he wasn't into this relationship anymore in January. I know that sounds dumb to say but he wanted to make some changes and start over so we stayed together and things were fine for a bit. The only problem is with me. For whatever reason he doesn't feel the same towards me as he did before. That was the only assurance I had that everything was going to be okay in the end and now I don't even have that. Everytime he's moody or quiet for a week I'm stucking thinking "is this it? Is he going to tell me tomorrow that he's not into anymore and wants to call it quits?" It is incredibly stressful to have to live with that constant nagging thought in my mind. Maybe he's just gotten complacent...I know I have too but I still make an effort. He used to be crazy about me and now his entire attitude to our relationship seems to be "take it or leave it". Maybe that's just the sex that he's take it or leave it or maybe it's all of it...I don't really know because he never talks to me about what he's thinking. He just says nothing until one day he says "I'm not into this relationship anymore". It doesn't even really matter that we're still together. When he said that it broke my heart and I know thing will never be the same between us. I will always doubt now. Always. It's hard for me to even know if I still love him anymore. I love the way he used to be with me. He can be really awesome sometimes. Sometimes he's really nice and caring and we get along great. When he's like that I love him like no other. When he's moodly, irritable, a dick to me, and has the whole "whatever" and "take it or leave it attitude" and makes me feel about as important to him as a piece of crap on his shoe then I really can't say that I love him. It really boils down to weighing the pros and the cons. Does he treat me more like a lover or more like crap on the bottom of his shoe? I've debated telling him that I want a break thinking that maybe separating will make him treat me differently. The tricky thing about breaks though is that they don't always work out. Ideally I would like us to be like K & D who broke up and then got back together and are now great together and he treats her REALLY good. I'm really happy for them. That is how I would ideally like a break to be. In my case what would end up happening is that Mike and I would split up, I would be alone and sad, and he would go on with his band, and his music, and his school and his recording, etc. etc. etc., and find another girl very quickly and that would be it. I hate feeling last in his list of priorities. I hate feeling like it's a bother for him to come see me. I hate feeling unwanted and ignored both emotionally and sexually. I hate having to beg him to stay over night. I hate being with him when we're both in school. Last year was so much better. Long distance was awesome! At least I knew I would see him nearly every week and I would actually have sex more than once a month. He always talked to me because he missed me and was nice to me. We never fought. He was always excited to come see me and couldn't wait to give me a big hug and kiss when he got here. It is really hard to go from that type of relationship to the one I have with him now. Sure I get to see him now but is it really more often? Nope. I see him one or two days a week now this is really no different than last year even though we live in the same city. I'm pretty sure he sees his guy friends, his family, and his band more days a week than he sees me. It's like he gives out all his energy and time to everyone else and I get the tired, grumpy Mike that's left. That's not really fair. He insists it's because his life is so much busier than mine but I'm busy too. It doesn't mean it's okay for me to not treat him nicely because I've had a stressful busy week. I make the effort and he should too. Isn't that only fair? But really, I could handle only seeing him a couple days a week if the time we spent together was quality time. Last year it was quality time. We got to hang out all day on Sat or Sunday slept in, made breakfast together, went and did stuff together during the day. And it was all good. Now when I see him we don't really DO anything. We don't even have sex just for fun. Basically our time together consists of him coming over here or me going over there and we watch some tv or a movie (not as a prelude to sex...we literally just watch it) there is no talking really, no flirtiness, no sense of fun. The last really good date we had was when he came over to help me make some cookies. We (I) made cookies, he ate most of them hahaha, and then we sat in my room and talked for an hour or so while listening to the new Donuts cd. It was really nice just to have him tell me what was going on in his life and have a good conversation. The only bummer of the night was that he refused to stay over even though he hasn't had any school for two weeks. Regardless of the not staying over I thought it was a pretty good quality date. I don't expect us to go out every time we see each other...but I would like to talk to him. He seems to think that just because he saw me two or three times a week when we went grocery shopping together or watched tv for an hour or two means that we spend enough time together. Yes we were together but how much of a date is it when you hardly talk? Just because we've been going out for 4 years doesn't mean that we can't still talk to one another. If anything we should be able to talk to eachother more right? I feel like I don't know any more about him now than I did two years ago. He once told me that he was sure he wanted to marry me. Three months ago he told me now he's not so sure. I have tried so hard to make everything run smoothly in this relationship. I have been really supportive of his career choices, his school choices, and his band choices. I have always been there behind him (or in front of him) cheering him on and giving my support. I have tried to be nice to him and love him and I did my best to make him happy. I have done everything I possibly can to make him happy. If that's not enough to make him satisfied than I don't know what else I can do. I really don't. I'm sort of at a loss here. I want everything to be great between us but I don't know how to get there. He won't tell me how to make him happy so I have to guess. All I can really go on is what he tells me and so far that hasn't been much. I don't know how I could have made him so happy before but not anymore. I feel so lost and really just helpless. I wish someone could just tell me "this is what you need to do"...that would make my life so much easier. I'm trying to be everything he wants me to be...trying to live up this ideal image of me he has in his head and I think somewhere along the way I'm falling short. I can only be me and I've tried to be the best me I can be but if that's not good enough for him than there is really nothing I can do about it. If it's going to end it's going to end. But it won't be because I didn't put in an effort to make him happy. I've always tried to make him happy...and it always ends up being what I want that gets put aside because it's not what he wants. My mom says that anything that bugs me now is only going to get worse in the long run which is probably true. So then how much more of what I want am I willing to put aside for him? Is he really making it worth it for me? Right now I'd say no...but who knows...by next week I could feel entirely different about the entire thing. I'm seriously considering no sex for our anniversary. I was disappointed before when he told me we might not have time to but his entire "take it or leave it" attitude towards sex on our ANNIVERSARY was irksome. It's the one day of the year that you're allowed and supposed to have sex! It's supposed to be fun and romantic and just nice. We are going to a pretty cool show at night and maybe dinner depending on when he gets out of school but then we come home and I stay at my house and he stays at his because he doesn't want to upset his parents. Sooo yeah....I'm tired of sex always being when he wants it. If he can be so flippant about it now than he won't mind if I say I'm not in the mood come anniversary day. The only problem is that when I do he gets all annoyed/offended like I'm saying it on purpose when sometimes it's really just because I'm not in the mood. He pulls that one on me all the time. And who knows if I push the no sex to three weeks he might actually want it. Withholding sex is definitely way harder for me so in the end I'm punishing myself if I tell him no but maybe in this instance I'll have to make a sacrifice for the better good. Eugh whatever I'm just rambling now. I think I've said my peace. I don't feel any better about it but it's definitely better to get everything out here than talk the ear of one of my friends. I think I might go do lengths at the pool tomorrow. Night!