Sometimes it just feels so hard. We take one step forward and three steps backwards. I don't understand why when it comes time for our anniversary every year we don't get along for that entire week. He suddenly withdraws and doesn't want to have sex or talk or do anything with me really and then after the anniversary is over everything is fine again. Maybe he's afraid of committment? Well I think that's a piss poor excuse. I haven't pushed him for any committment this year. I know it's pointless. We've been dating 4 years now and we've never lived together. We haven't ever seriously discussed living together. Not because I wouldn't want to live together but he's not willing to compromise so neither am I. I can't help but think sometimes that I'm wasting my time with him. Everything was great before because I knew he actually really loved me. He was like REALLY in love with me. I don't get that feeling anymore. Maybe it's because he told me he wasn't into this relationship anymore in January. I know that sounds dumb to say but he wanted to make some changes and start over so we stayed together and things were fine for a bit. The only problem is with me. For whatever reason he doesn't feel the same towards me as he did before. That was the only assurance I had that everything was going to be okay in the end and now I don't even have that. Everytime he's moody or quiet for a week I'm stucking thinking "is this it? Is he going to tell me tomorrow that he's not into anymore and wants to call it quits?" It is incredibly stressful to have to live with that constant nagging thought in my mind. Maybe he's just gotten complacent...I know I have too but I still make an effort. He used to be crazy about me and now his entire attitude to our relationship seems to be "take it or leave it". Maybe that's just the sex that he's take it or leave it or maybe it's all of it...I don't really know because he never talks to me about what he's thinking. He just says nothing until one day he says "I'm not into this relationship anymore". It doesn't even really matter that we're still together. When he said that it broke my heart and I know thing will never be the same between us. I will always doubt now. Always. It's hard for me to even know if I still love him anymore. I love the way he used to be with me. He can be really awesome sometimes. Sometimes he's really nice and caring and we get along great. When he's like that I love him like no other. When he's moodly, irritable, a dick to me, and has the whole "whatever" and "take it or leave it attitude" and makes me feel about as important to him as a piece of crap on his shoe then I really can't say that I love him. It really boils down to weighing the pros and the cons. Does he treat me more like a lover or more like crap on the bottom of his shoe? I've debated telling him that I want a break thinking that maybe separating will make him treat me differently. The tricky thing about breaks though is that they don't always work out. Ideally I would like us to be like K & D who broke up and then got back together and are now great together and he treats her REALLY good. I'm really happy for them. That is how I would ideally like a break to be. In my case what would end up happening is that Mike and I would split up, I would be alone and sad, and he would go on with his band, and his music, and his school and his recording, etc. etc. etc., and find another girl very quickly and that would be it. I hate feeling last in his list of priorities. I hate feeling like it's a bother for him to come see me. I hate feeling unwanted and ignored both emotionally and sexually. I hate having to beg him to stay over night. I hate being with him when we're both in school. Last year was so much better. Long distance was awesome! At least I knew I would see him nearly every week and I would actually have sex more than once a month. He always talked to me because he missed me and was nice to me. We never fought. He was always excited to come see me and couldn't wait to give me a big hug and kiss when he got here. It is really hard to go from that type of relationship to the one I have with him now. Sure I get to see him now but is it really more often? Nope. I see him one or two days a week now this is really no different than last year even though we live in the same city. I'm pretty sure he sees his guy friends, his family, and his band more days a week than he sees me. It's like he gives out all his energy and time to everyone else and I get the tired, grumpy Mike that's left. That's not really fair. He insists it's because his life is so much busier than mine but I'm busy too. It doesn't mean it's okay for me to not treat him nicely because I've had a stressful busy week. I make the effort and he should too. Isn't that only fair? But really, I could handle only seeing him a couple days a week if the time we spent together was quality time. Last year it was quality time. We got to hang out all day on Sat or Sunday slept in, made breakfast together, went and did stuff together during the day. And it was all good. Now when I see him we don't really DO anything. We don't even have sex just for fun. Basically our time together consists of him coming over here or me going over there and we watch some tv or a movie (not as a prelude to sex...we literally just watch it) there is no talking really, no flirtiness, no sense of fun. The last really good date we had was when he came over to help me make some cookies. We (I) made cookies, he ate most of them hahaha, and then we sat in my room and talked for an hour or so while listening to the new Donuts cd. It was really nice just to have him tell me what was going on in his life and have a good conversation. The only bummer of the night was that he refused to stay over even though he hasn't had any school for two weeks. Regardless of the not staying over I thought it was a pretty good quality date. I don't expect us to go out every time we see each other...but I would like to talk to him. He seems to think that just because he saw me two or three times a week when we went grocery shopping together or watched tv for an hour or two means that we spend enough time together. Yes we were together but how much of a date is it when you hardly talk? Just because we've been going out for 4 years doesn't mean that we can't still talk to one another. If anything we should be able to talk to eachother more right? I feel like I don't know any more about him now than I did two years ago. He once told me that he was sure he wanted to marry me. Three months ago he told me now he's not so sure. I have tried so hard to make everything run smoothly in this relationship. I have been really supportive of his career choices, his school choices, and his band choices. I have always been there behind him (or in front of him) cheering him on and giving my support. I have tried to be nice to him and love him and I did my best to make him happy. I have done everything I possibly can to make him happy. If that's not enough to make him satisfied than I don't know what else I can do. I really don't. I'm sort of at a loss here. I want everything to be great between us but I don't know how to get there. He won't tell me how to make him happy so I have to guess. All I can really go on is what he tells me and so far that hasn't been much. I don't know how I could have made him so happy before but not anymore. I feel so lost and really just helpless. I wish someone could just tell me "this is what you need to do"...that would make my life so much easier. I'm trying to be everything he wants me to be...trying to live up this ideal image of me he has in his head and I think somewhere along the way I'm falling short. I can only be me and I've tried to be the best me I can be but if that's not good enough for him than there is really nothing I can do about it. If it's going to end it's going to end. But it won't be because I didn't put in an effort to make him happy. I've always tried to make him happy...and it always ends up being what I want that gets put aside because it's not what he wants. My mom says that anything that bugs me now is only going to get worse in the long run which is probably true. So then how much more of what I want am I willing to put aside for him? Is he really making it worth it for me? Right now I'd say no...but who knows...by next week I could feel entirely different about the entire thing. I'm seriously considering no sex for our anniversary. I was disappointed before when he told me we might not have time to but his entire "take it or leave it" attitude towards sex on our ANNIVERSARY was irksome. It's the one day of the year that you're allowed and supposed to have sex! It's supposed to be fun and romantic and just nice. We are going to a pretty cool show at night and maybe dinner depending on when he gets out of school but then we come home and I stay at my house and he stays at his because he doesn't want to upset his parents. Sooo yeah....I'm tired of sex always being when he wants it. If he can be so flippant about it now than he won't mind if I say I'm not in the mood come anniversary day. The only problem is that when I do he gets all annoyed/offended like I'm saying it on purpose when sometimes it's really just because I'm not in the mood. He pulls that one on me all the time. And who knows if I push the no sex to three weeks he might actually want it. Withholding sex is definitely way harder for me so in the end I'm punishing myself if I tell him no but maybe in this instance I'll have to make a sacrifice for the better good. Eugh whatever I'm just rambling now. I think I've said my peace. I don't feel any better about it but it's definitely better to get everything out here than talk the ear of one of my friends. I think I might go do lengths at the pool tomorrow. Night!