I feel like I need to write about his right now so I'm going to. So things with Mike and I have been pretty rocky right now. He told me on Monday that he's not into the relationship anymore...that's was a dull knife right to the heart...or maybe a spoon? Scooping it out in little pieces? Well whatever analogy it was it broke my heart. Here I thought he was just being stressed about school because he gets like that when he has pressure from homework and assignments...but oh no...it seems that the problem is me. He said he didn't know why he wasn't into the relationship anymore but I just don't buy it. You don't just fall out of love with someone without a catalyst of some kind. So since Monday we've been "working" at putting things back together which is kind of hard when you don't know what the problem is to begin with. Maybe it's a good thing that he said what he did Monday. It's gotten me to thinking a lot about what I want out of this relationship and whether I'm still happy. Honestly, I'm not. I haven't been happy in this relationship since his attitude towards me changed about a month ago. All those things I loved about Mike and our relationship are suddenly no longer there. He said that he sometimes wondered what was left in our relationship when the sex was taken out...he thought it was pretty much just a friendship with sex added...he said there was no intimacy....This week I've realized that that's how he's treating me...like a friend. I get no special attention, no special consideration, he doesn't even compliment me I get dressed up to go out. How crap is it that his guy friends can say "Hey you look really nice tonight?" but he can't? Does he really care so little that doesn't even think of me in that way anymore? When we talk the only sign I get that we're in a relationship at all is when he says "love ya" before he leaves. It makes me so frustrated because he used to be so different with me. The one thing I could always count on was that he loved me more than anything...and to have that taken away...I can't even tell you what that feels like. Am I just longing for something that is never coming back? Is it too much to ask to want him to hold my hand, to give me kisses, and hug me sometimes and maybe even tell me I look nice once in a while? It's almost seems like he feels he doesn't have to do those things anymore since we've been going out so long. Why do men think it's okay to give up once they reach a certain point in their relationship. Are women just supposed to spend the rest of their time pining for the good old days? Those things are what I enjoyed most about our relationship...they were what made Mike stand out from all the other assholes out there and now he's becoming one of the pack? If this is the way things are supposed to be with us from now on I don't want any part of it. I'm not happy. I've never felt so unwanted in my life. I am last on his list of priorities and his excuse is that everything else he does gets booked way in advance so there's nothing he can do about it. So what...am I just supposed to be last on your list forever? At what point do I become important...at what point do I begin to matter? I feel like our relationship has taken about a million steps backwards. Why does he have to be such a stupid man? I know this is entirely happening because our 4 year anniversary is in a month and he's getting all spooked thinking that he needs to give me some kind of commitment or is re-evaluating our relationship trying to decide if he wants to stay with me forever. It's so annoying! What's the worst thing for me right now is that I feel like I need to prove that I'm worth him dating me or something. I'm not a bad catch. I'm smart, I'm decent looking, I have a good personality and I'm nice. I'm a good catch I'm not some kind of bum he'd be settling with. I don't see what his problem is. And no I'm not this conceited...I just need to keep things in perspective because I'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I feel lucky to have Mike but I also choose to be with Mike. If he decides I'm not good enough for him than I know I will find someone else but I am with him because I like(d) how he treated me. This whole situation is so frustrating because I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall. Do we have to break up for him to realize that he wants to be with me? With Kris and Amanda the same thing happened at about the 4 year mark...why are boys so dumb? They're both back together with their men now and happy but they each went through a lot of pain and heartache for months over it. Is that really necessary? What is it about the separation that suddenly puts everything into focus? I just don't get it...and maybe women aren't supposed to get it. I was talking to Mel about this the other day and she said that when Taylor did this same thing to her he was ready to make up like the next day. She told me that she used to do all these nice things for him and now she just doesn't do them anymore. She's still nice to him and everything but she just doesn't go above and beyond anymore. And really...what is the point in trying to do anything nice? It's not like they really appreciate anything above and beyond. The response I get is "whatever...do what you want" or "sure if you want" or "I don't care" hey what about a THANK YOU? That would be nice! I don't want praise...just two words will let me know that you appreciate me going above and beyond. I can't believe I still get choked up thinking about this....it's like we've already broken up and I'm dealing with it...well I guess in a way it is like that. The really great part of our relationship is over and now I don't know what this is. It doesn't feel positive...it doesn't make me feel good about myself or want to talk to Mike more often. I honestly think talking to him makes me feel worse because it almost confirms for me that things are shit right now. He said on Tuesday that he was coming into this with a clean slate but none of the things I said I needed from him I've seen. He doesn't kiss me...I kiss him. He hardly spoke to me the other night when I went to his show. That made me feel good. I don't really know what I expected. God this has turned into the longest rant ever...but I do feel better now. I've gotten a lot out that had to be said. I wish I could say all of this to Mike but I think at this point it would be like flogging a dead horse. His response would be "if you're so unhappy then why don't you leave?" to which I would reply what? I love you? Somehow those three words just don't seem adequate enough anymore. I fell in love with a different Mike...one who treated me good and didn't hurt me...now I don't know who I'm with or why I'm staying...I guess I'm just hoping that the old Mike will suddenly resurface and everything can go back to the way it was.

Well ladies and gents...I think I've figured out that I'm bi-polar. I never thought I would be that person...the one with a mental illness. It sounds so scary to say. I don't want to tell anyone...not even Dad or Sara because who knows what they'll think then. I don't want to be the kid with the mental illness. That'll be a stigma I have to carry around with me for the rest of my life. A lot of people don't understand what being bi-polar means and they equate it with serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and stuff like that which is totally wrong. I've told Mike what I think because he's the only person I really talk to about my bad days. It usually only happens once a month or once every couple of months where I have bad days...but it usually lasts a couple days...sometimes up to a week. I was reading up on how bi-polar people feel during their depression times and the feelings they listed are everything I feel. For those two days or a week or whatever I feel like this:
Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
Significant changes in appetite, sleep patterns
Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
Pessimism, indifference
Loss of energy, persistent tiredness
Facts about Bipolar Disorder
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdraw
Unexplained aches and pains
Recurring thoughts of death and suicide

and then other times in the month..which I guess are the "highs" I feel like this:
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
Decreased need for sleep (less than three hours) without fatigue
Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance
Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
Increased physical, mental activity
Racing speech, flight of ideas, impulsiveness
Poor judgement, easily distracted, difficulty concentrating
Reckless behavior without concern for consequences, such as spending sprees, rash business decisions, erratic driving, sexual indiscretions

My grandmother was manic depressive and my dad told me how much it sucked to have her like that all the time. I really hope I'm not bad when I have kids too. I'm just so scared to take any kind of medication because the highs are a big part of my personality and I'm afraid I'll become like a zombie or erratic. I don't like feeling like I don't have control over my own thoughts and emotions. It's a scary thing. You realize just how fragile sanity is when it gets to that point...when you have no control over how you feel then what DO you control? I always know I'm having a bad day when I obsessively clean. For some reason it's like if I can clean up my house then my mind/life will be cleaned up too...I'm not sure how the logic in that works but my house is always nice and tidy...if anything it's one less thing to stress about I guess. I've noticed that I get in fights with mike during the bad days too. We don't fight often but I'm pretty sure when we do it's during those times when I'm feeling down already. He's mentioned something to that effect to me before...like "I bet you when we fight it's always in the same week of every month"...poor guy...I feel bad for him for having to put up with me. I should be a much better gf than that...well I can't afford therapy or any of that right now but I'm glad that at least I feel like I have an answer and a name to how I feel. It feels good just to talk about it.

I had an interesting dream last night. I was in a forest going on a nature walk with the Simpkins and my sister. We saw a herd of deer run next to us in the woods so we all stopped to watch. All of the deer were in pairs, male and female, and ran in one long column. I remember being pissed that I didn't have a camera on me and by the time I got it the deer were just finished and I didn't get a picture. Next thing I know we're in some crazy science exhibit except that the entire floor is about thigh high with water. We had to tread through the water to get everywhere. Inside the science exhibit I thought that it was really some alien space ship and I kept looking for a way to get out. I can't remember if I ever did get out or not. I just remember spending a lot of time looking for Sara in all the different rooms and I had to keep climbing up big tall ladders to get to other parts of the exhibit. All in all it was a weird dream. I wish I knew how to decode dreams so I knew what it al meant. It probably has something to do with the stress I'm under now. It's so weird how dreams are like that...my dreams are always fucked up though. Like seriously weird all the time. Mike can't make heads or tails of them either. He always ends up looking as confused as I do. Anyways...it's back to studying for me. I've got my American History exam on Sunday and my Scots History on Monday...I'm el fuckedo if I don't get my act in gear. This American History is really going to kill me. This last professor hasn't taught me shit...like seriously I remember one thing from all of his lectures and everyone keeps saying how hard this exam is going to be. Like I know shit all about American History...I don't really care about it either. You can't tell me that American kids are forced to take Canadian history courses in order to get their degree. It's so pathetic how little they know about Canada and how much American history we are force fed since grade school. It's really sick. Like I don't know if forcing me to learn American history is supposed to encourage me to have more repect for our neighbours to the South but it hasn't. If anything its made me more resentful of the fact that I have to learn about them at all. I'd much rather learn about what's going on in Europe but instead I have to waste a credit learning about all this crap. BOOO to that.

Sometimes it feels like he's stopped trying. It worries me because once they stop trying it means they aren't interested anymore. If you're interested and care you want to make sure everything is always great...if not then you think why bother and do nothing. I think this summer is going to be shit-tacular relationship wise. We already have nothing to say to each other - by his admission not mine - he won't talk to me anymore. I think the extent of his conversations in the past few days are as follows: "hey" *kiss*, "what are you on?", "i'm tired", "bye" *kiss*
So much for the romance. Even sex is apparently a chore for him now. I can't even blame that one on myself because he always says that my body is great etc. etc. I dunno....I somehow think that if I were doing something different he might be more into it...or just more horny in general. Who even knows anymore. Sometimes I get tired of trying to make the effort all the time just to have him brush it off later like "meh whatever I could do without" maybe I need to find someone who can't do without?

So I didn't get Mock Trial Commissioner for next year. Kristine did though so I'm happy for her but I can't help but be disappointed. I really thought I had a shot. Well apparently I'm doing something wrong because I haven't gotten a single thing I have applied for for over a year now. I am always so enthused to try for different positions but this constant losing is really taking a toll on me. Honestly. Here's my ongoing list starting from last year:

Creative Writing course (denied twice)

no summer job only one call back(applied at about 15 different places)

Transferring back to my home Chapters store(denied)

Tour Guiding position (denied)

EnviroWestern Commissioner (denied)

Amnesty International Co-Vice President (denied)

Mock Trial Commissioner (denied)

Unisource Scholarship (denied twice)

etc. etc. etc.

What a sad fucking list...and the best part is that I'm continually adding things to it. I wish it had something to do with my attitude going in but I go into these things so pumped and full of ideas. I just don't get it. There has to be something about me that's wrong otherwise ALL these places wouldn't be saying no to me. I'm starting to think it isn't even worth my time trying. I realize everything happens for a reason but I mean come on...what possible reason could there be that I haven't gotten ANY of these things in the past year and a half? Maybe I'm going to be dead by next year and it's saving everyone a whole lot of confusion....grim thought...but it's possible. Ahhhsshit....what's the point. I'm going to study so I don't fail my exams.

I am SOO PISSED OFF!!! Fucking Mock Trial! We got screwed out of the finals even though we were assured we wouldn't be because the other team decided that they weren't going to show up so all they had to go on with our score was our original score which they Xed by 2. SO ANNOYING! I asked her specifically if that would hurt our chances or getting in and she said that "ooh no don't worry because you guys have been screwed around so much I'm going to add points if i have to to make sure you get into the final round." What a fucking liar. I can't believe we wasted so much of our fucking time on this stupid fucking mock trial so they could screw us over like that. ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Most unorganized competition EVER!!!!
- A VERY pissed off me.

I have decided that I WILL go down to 135lbs before Mike's uncle's wedding. I need to fit into that dress and look nice about it. I did it last summer so I should be able to do it now. I think if I work out things will go much faster than they did last time. God I sure hope so....I really want to be 135 again. I'm not asking too much...only 10 lbs! It makes SUUUCH a difference!

For my own reference...here are foods I'm allowed to eat for the two-week induction period:
Fish including: tuna, salmon, sole, trout, flounder, sardines, herring
Meat including: beef, pork, lamb, bacon, ham
Eggs including: all forms
Shellfish including: squid, shrimp, crabmeat
*Note: I have left out other meats that I do not eat or cannot reasonably afford
Avoid processed meats and cheeses!
3-4 ouces of cheese including: cheddar, cow/sheep/goat cheese, cream cheese, gouda, mozerella, swiss
2-3 cups per day of the following vegetables: mushrooms, parsley, peppers, celery, chives, lettuce, romaine lettuce, cucumber
1 cup per day of the following vegetables: pumpkin, rhubar, asparagus, snow peas, bean sprouts, egg plant, spinach, broccoli, wax beans, tomato, bean sprouts, leeks, onion, zucchini
Acceptable spices/seasonings: use only oil and vinegar mix on salad for dressing, basil, garlic, rosemary, cayenne pepper, oregano, pepper, lemon juice
Avoid nuts, corn oil, soybean, or sunflower oils

[Greek Title] - Oscar Wilde

SWEET I blame you not for mine the fault was, had I not been made of common clay
I had climbed the higher heights unclimbed yet, seen the fuller air, the larger day.
From the wildness of my wasted passion I had struck a better, clearer song,
Lit some lighter light of freer freedom, battled with some Hydra-headed wrong.
Had my lips been smitten into music by the kisses that but made them bleed,
You had walked with Bice and the angels on that verdant and enamelled mead.
I had trod the road which Dante treading saw the suns of seven circles shine,
Ay! perchance had seen the heavens opening, as they opened to the Florentine.
And the mighty nations would have crowned me, who am crownless now and without name,
And some orient dawn had found me kneeling on the threshold of the House of Fame.
I had sat within that marble circle where the oldest bard is as the young,
And the pipe is ever dropping honey, and the lyre’s strings are ever strung.
Keats had lifted up his hymenæal curls from out the poppy-seeded wine,
With ambrosial mouth had kissed my forehead, clasped the hand of noble love in mine.
And at springtide, when the apple-blossoms brush the burnished bosom of the dove,
Two young lovers lying in an orchard would have read the story of our love.
Would have read the legend of my passion, known the bitter secret of my heart,
Kissed as we have kissed, but never parted as we two are fated now to part.
For the crimson flower of our life is eaten by the canker-worm of truth,
And no hand can gather up the fallen withered petals of the rose of youth.
Yet I am not sorry that I loved you—ah! what else had I a boy to do,—
For the hungry teeth of time devour, and the silent-footed years pursue.
Rudderless, we drift athwart a tempest, and when once the storm of youth is past,
Without lyre, without lute or chorus, Death a silent pilot comes at last.
And within the grave there is no pleasure, for the blind-worm battens on the root,
And Desire shudders into ashes, and the tree of Passion bears no fruit.
Ah! what else had I to do but love you, God’s own mother was less dear to me,
And less dear the Cytheræan rising like an argent lily from the sea.
I have made my choice, have lived my poems, and, though youth is gone in wasted days,
I have found the lover’s crown of myrtle better than the poet’s crown of bays.

When We Two Parted - Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever the years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder, thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk, chill on my brow,
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me...
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well..
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

Phantom of the Opera...what an amazing movie! I loved the play too but hell, the movie is awesome and about 1/8 the price of a theatre ticket. I would definitely go see it again! I've always had a soft spot for the phantom. I feel really bad for him during the whole movie, and I can't help feeling that Christine should have stayed with him in the end. He's so alone in the world and all he wants is to be loved by someone. I always cry at the part when she leaves him and he has nothing left. Its such a powerful love story I think. Some people think he's twisted, but I can see the humanity in his character. The whole thing is just so powerful. I think its one of the few musicals whose music takes you through every emotion. It makes me wish I could sing. Currently I can't even speak, so I'm most definitely a far ways away from sounding anything like the singers in the theatre. *le sigh* If past lives are real then I've most definitely had one. There's no way I can feel the way I do all the time and not have lived some time before now. I'm too attached to the past for it not to have happened. I wish I could know what it was like. If I could build a time machine today I would do it and go back in a second, just so see it all for myself and know that I was there.

Today was a great day. I was in an awesome mood the entire day and it carried right through into the evening. I love days like these :) We just finished watching Center Stage. It's one of those good no brainer movies that keeps the mood light and passes time. Oooh Peter Gallagher hahaha. I still have no voice but its coming back in bits and pieces. I didn't talk to Mike today but that doesn't bother me. I don't really have much to say to him anymore anyways. Everything is just kind of stagnant right now. Not unhappy, but stagnant. I'm sure things will spice up sooner or later though. They usually do, it's all one big cycle after all.

There's so much more I want to say right now but its too heavy and personal and it would really bring down my current mood. I just want to DO something with my life, instead of going through everything just the way its supposed to be...all planned out and stuff. I like spontenaity, its what keeps life interesting. I always wonder if I'd stuck with one of the many things I tried as a kid, where would I be today? How differently things could have turned out...or maybe everything would be the same. Maybe I was never meant to do anything different other than to love history and be a book nerd. It's silly to think about it but sometimes I wonder...how different could my life be? And would I want it to be different?

My favourite things in 2004:
- Seeing my first REAL hockey game (Go Knights!)
- Turning 20
- Seeing the Get Up Kids at the Opera House (best show EVER!)
- Spending another fantastic year with Mike
- Jer's awesome dance to "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness HAHAHAHAHA!
- Going to England and Ireland for the first time
- Making some new friends (Lindz, Lauren, Laura and Kris!)
- Living in my first real home away from home
- Discovering The Donald and The Apprentice
- Joining The O.C cult :)

Things that sucked in 2004:
- Bush being re-elected
- The never ending news about bombs in the Middle East
- Jerry Orbach dying
- All the horrible natural disasters (Including the Tsunami and Quake in SE Asia)
- Having to actually work hard at school
- Working at Chapters (I quit!)
- Mike's family getting into a car accident
- Mike living 1.5 hours away instead of 10 mins. :(
- Passing out at a Dashboard Confessional concert (WTF?)
- Having surgery on my kidney (this could also go into the first column though because my doctor was hot and it wasn't all that painful)
- Having to see Britney's trailer trash face plastered everywhere (bf/husband included)

Well that about does it for my list. Lets hope 2005 is kick ass too :)

On days like today I feel like giving up. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm beginning to question whether I have depression. Some days I don't want to get out of bed and I would rather sit by myself and cry than do anything productive. I don't even know what I'm crying about. Sometimes I just convince myself I'm a horrible person and everyone else is beautiful and alive and I'm just here taking up space. I'm sorry.

I've come to the conclusion that I will never be a writer. I might have good ideas but I can never follow through with them. My writing always leaves something to be desired and its always as if something is lacking. A perfect example would be the story idea I developed about the curator who falls for a ghost without realizing he is a ghost and she ends up going back in time to be with him because she falls in love with him and she disappears. It was supposed to be a love story, drama, mystery, etc. I just don't understand how I can be so excited about these ideas in my head and then once I get to writing them down they seem like they're lacking. I don't know what it is or how I can fix it but I sure as hell wish I did. I applied to be in the writing program here and they wait-listed me. I'm thinking I might apply again this year but I don't have anything to send in for submission pieces. I doubt I would get in any more than I did last year but I think I might just in case. If I was a good writer I would get into programs like these. I've always wanted to write a novel that I could be proud of. Maybe someday when I have the talent and the time I can try it. For now though I'm stuck being pretty much talentless. *sigh*

I am soooo tired right now....but I just got off the phone with Mike. He said he wants to marry me. Actually I think the way he worded was that he KNOWS we'll be married one day and be really happy together. I love him, he's so cute. He said he already knows how he's going to ask me and he has everything all planned out in his head but that I have to wait until it's the right time for him to ask. He makes me so happy :) I told him to wait until I was in law school to ask me. If I say yes I want to be old enough to justify making the right decision. Then we can get married when I'm done and be happily ever after. I just want to grow old with him, that's all. I want to be an old married couple who hold hands and give each other kisses and maybe have a little sex on the side. It's comfortable and I know its what would make me happy :) Some day....

I love it. I'm so retarded right now. We watched this awesome video on Sam's computer and it was like we were in this other world with cute crawling things that looked like plants and insects put together. It's so nice to not have to work this year. Fuck, I hated working at that Chapters! It feels so nice to not have to work now! Maybe I'll reapply at places closer to Christmas...the only thing is that if I ah fuck I forget what I was gonna say. Meh. I wonder if Chris Carraba has a blog..I think he does. I want to find it and tell him he's hot. If Mike were here I'd fuck him badly. I love fucking him when it feels like I'm taking advantage of him. It's so much dirrtier and I like it. Being naughty is fun, especially when everyone else thinks you're the nice girl.

I've been in an exceptionally good mood today. I can't quite explain why though. I feel creative and driven and everything that makes a good day for me. I feel like I've actually accomplished something today. I did a lot on my day off. Right now I'm just waiting for Mike to give me a ring. He's playing in Drummondville tonight with the Afterbeat and in the St. Catharines festival tomorrow. I had a strange dream about him last night that had a lot of sexual things in it but they were strange. I ended up in a compromising position with one of his band mates who trust me, I don't have any sort of sexual intentions towards. Even in the dream there was no emotion or anything to it, in fact, I was talking to mike as casual as casual can be while it was going on sooo yea. But in the dream Mike had changed his hair. I was running my fingers through it and it was really thick and nice feeling. So then he pulls off his hood and is like 'hey! check it out!' he had originally dyed it blonde but then dyed it dark like it is now with white hairs all put through it in a salt and pepper sort of style. He was telling me how hey'd layered it and everything and it was really nice! It made him look hot :) I keep having dreams with Mike and I trying to get it on but we always get interrupted. I'm not too sure what that means. Maybe it's because we haven't done it in a while because of him being away? I better still be in the mood tomorrow when he gets home :D I'm so pumped to see him! YAY!!! This week hasn't been so bad. I've talked to him nearly every day which is awesome considering he's been in Montreal. This makes me think that next year won't be so bad at all. I like being independent and being able to go do stuff on my own. When Mike was in London I usually did stuff with him because it was easy to call him up and go out, but now that he won't be there I think I'll call up everyone else as much as I can to go out instead.

I've decided that the only stress in my life right now is Sara. I've never had to deal with a bigger bitch. I really hate her someimtes and I'm not just being petty about it. She truly drives me nuts. It's like a little screw twisting into my brain each time she says something rude or ignorant or bitchy. I think one of these days I will honestly and truly snap on her and hit her in the face. I've envisioned doing it every time she has told me to fuck off or broken my stuff without giving a shit (seriously!) for the past five years. I am SOOO happy to be going to London where I don't have to put up with her shit. I don't have to worry about my stuff being stolen, I don't have to listen to her bitch bitch bitch all the time, I don't have to deal with her attitude, I don't have to deal with the fact that my parents seem to think she never does any wrong. Getting a lock on my door because she's a compulsive stealer has been like pulling teeth. For a month and a half now I've bugged my dad for one and still no lock. He doesn't see any reason to put one there. Well that's nice. Asshole. She's so used to getting her way all the time that it's rediculous trying to get something done around here. If she steals something of mine, I'm the one with the problem. She had a week a while back where she was a real bitch to my parents and was telling them to fuck off and making a real pain in the ass of herself and what did they do? She couldn't have her friends over one night. Whoop de fucking doo! She had them over the next night so it didn't make a real bit of difference did it? My parents are so afraid to punish her in any way because they don't want her running off to Toronto or something. Idiots. Take away her cell phone. Don't give her money to go out, or better yet, don't let her go out. Take away her computer. ANYTHING. But as long as they do something! She's spoilt and it drives me nuts. I really do hate her sometimes. Actually, make that most of the time. When she's not around my life is so much easier. I am happier. I can't wait to go back to London. Maybe next year I just won't come home.
-Night

I've realized a lot of things today. I would say all in all it has been a good day. The first is that a lot of people in my neighbourhood are very patriotic. I'm glad to see that Canadians are actually proud to live here and proud of what our country stands for. The second is that I can very easily relate to Virginia Woolf and now have a desire to read as many of her works as I can get my hands on. The third is that even though my aunt and my mother might hate each other, my cousin and I still get along really well. The fourth is that I enjoy running and walking. I ran/walked for over an hour today and now I not only feel relaxed and destressed but also much healther. Lastly, is that I've finally accepted that Mike is not going to be around next year. It took one night of crying myself to sleep and another day of silent tears while riding in the car with him to realize that this is it. This summer is the last I have for the next 8 months of seeing him as often as I do. I've only just come to terms with the thought that I can't go to his house if I'm having a bad day so he'll cheer me up. I can't just call him up on the phone to see how his day was without thinking about how much I'm paying in long distance fees. I can't spend a weekend at his house nice and cozy in his room. I don't have him to talk to when I really really need to talk to him. True he is only an hour and a half away, but when the whole world is caving in, that hour and a half might as well be a million miles away. I'm going to miss him so very very much. It's realizing all of this now which has allowed me to appreciate just how much I care for him and realize that he means a great deal more to me than I ever could have imagined. You devil you...you snuck right in there didn't you?

So Mike is gone now until Friday night *sigh* I really miss him. I don't think it would be so bad if I could still talk to him every day, but the days I don't talk to him are the hardest. I find myself moping around, feeling restless and bored. I was thinking about marriage stuff today because it seems like everyone at my work is getting married. I realized a few things once I'd thought about it.

1) If we were about 5 years older we would be engaged or married already since we've been together continuously for over 2 years now.
2) If this were 100 years ago we'd already be married and probably having kids.
3) We love each other very much and have no problems with the idea of getting married in the future.
4) With the exception of money, social issues, and maturity we don't have any reason NOT to get married.

I realize for most men that talking about marriage is a scary thing. They don't want to be tied down to one woman or be committed to anyone while they're still young. Mike is strange like that I guess. He doesn't have any qualms talking about one day getting married...in fact, he talks about it a lot with me. I really am too young to consider marriage right now, but it's something to think about. Ultimately I would like to be out of school and at least a year in my job before getting married which means I have another seven years to wait...in seven years I will be 26, definitely old enough to be financially stable and ready maturity wise to commit to someone. What I can't help wondering is what will happen during the time inbetween. I mean, if I wait until then to get engaged/married, then we'll have been together for 9 years! Nine fucking years! Most marriages don't even last tha long! Can I really go seven more years with him without some further sort of commitment? I'm sure people will assume I'm too young to think about this sort of thing, but I'm really not. I'm nearly 20 and have had my fair share of boyfriends. I'm smart enough to know when something good comes around. The fact that I found a boy who loves me more than anything, would do anything for me, actually cares about my feelings, and who's great in bed means that I have a winner. While most women complain about all the stupid things their men do, I never even think about stupid stuff Mike does cause he doesn't do any. If I end up with someone else, then he'll have to be a dream man because I think Mike would be pretty hard to contend with. If I get married one day I want it to be for life, not just for a few years like most marriages are now. I want to grow old with my husband, and hold hands when we're 65, take walks and do things together, hug and kiss even when we're old enough to have no teeth...I can't live in a loveless marriage like my parents did. I wouldn't be able to handle it. My granny and grandpa married for life and were VERY happy together until he died a few years ago of cancer. They had a very fairy tale courtship and marriage...I love hearing about it. I want to be like them :) I know if I hold off long enough I will marry the right man.

So tomorrow Mike leaves for New Brunswick for a week. I was in London all day today but he said to call him when I got home so we could see each other before he left. I didn't get home till around 11 so I called his house and his mom said he'd gone out for the night. I'm not sure whether to be upset or not. It bothers me that he said to call him so we could go out tonight and see each other before he goes away for a whole week and then goes out with the guys anyways. I've gotten used to it usually being the guys when it comes down to who he's gonna go hang out with for the night, but sometimes, like tonight, it still bugs me. I just feel like an idiot. I bought him a schwarma from the place in London we always go to when we're there because I know he really likes them. I brought it home to give it to him all fresh and everything but now it's sitting on the second shelf of my fridge. I've debated eating it...I think I would just feel dumb if I gave it to him tomorrow...I would seem really pathetic then. I am pretty pathetic most of the time though it's a wonder why he wants to hang out with me at all. It's 1:00 now and it's officially Sara's birthday. I got her present and everything all set I just need to wrap it. Well I think it's time I stop feeling disappointed and go wrap some presents. I also watched "Girl With A Pearl Earring" tonight...I loved how every scene was set up like a painting but very subtly...she was always framed in some way which I liked a lot. The book was amazing! I was disappointed they didn't show her marry the butcher's son and go live with him...that would've been a better ending. Go see it :)